


Behind the Masks We Wear

by AntlersandFangs



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Companion Piece, Dark Herald, F/M, Modern Girl in Thedas, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death, The Iron Bull's pov, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, that's how emotions work, yes everyone is a mess and not thinking straight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:49:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25171891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AntlersandFangs/pseuds/AntlersandFangs
Summary: The companion fic to the amazing Celtic_Lass' 'Masks We Wear' as I cannot resist a good bog of angst. :) Probably can be a stand alone, but it's meant to be read with her story as I'm just writing an alternate pov of her story (with her permission)*major spoilers for Mask We Wear!*
Comments: 129
Kudos: 166





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Masks We Wear](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24691633) by [Celtic_Lass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celtic_Lass/pseuds/Celtic_Lass). 



Three years. Three years they had chased and tracked and tricked and fought this guy. This guy they thought was their friend. Rae had led them with the grim determination of a woman who knew what was coming, and Bull had followed with the fear of a man afraid to lose her. 

They had found him on the day he tried to destroy the world. Vivienne had struggled to take down the barrier, Cole and Bull had fought his guards, and Rae… His kitten had stretched her magic, twisted the flow of time to make it slower for him and faster for her, and had thrown herself at the Dread Wolf with her teeth bared.

That wasn’t the plan!

Fen’Harel’s eyes had widened and the magic in his hands had faltered, but whatever he had been about to do…

Rae, tiny, beautiful, strong, Rae collided with the magic in Fen’Harel’s hands and Bull had been too far away to do anything but watch as the green power ripped her apart. She screamed, and Fen’Harel let out a choked “No!” and then she stopped screaming as the magic finished tearing through her in less than a heartbeat. Bull saw the pieces of her fall and his grip flexed on the grip of his ax as he reached for the blind, mad, animal part of himself that would let him destroy the elf that had done that to his Kitten. 

She wasn’t here to tell him to stop.

They charged for him, but the elf was staring at the pieces of her, swirling in a horrifying mess of time magic, blood, and green, and then he looked up as they drew close and his eyes looked terrified and sad. “I-”

Green power exploded in a wave from the bits of Rae left and when it hit him it felt like his stomach was being ripped out just like his heart just had been.

And then he was opening his eye to the sight of grey canvas and the sound of his boys shouting in panic. 

“What is that?”

“What could have done that?”

What?

He shoved himself up and out of the tent and stared at the sky. There was a breach just as ugly and scary as the first. Wait… his boys. He grabbed Rocky’s collar as he ran by. “What’s the date?”

Rocky told him and Bull let him go with a sickly rush of hope. Time magic.

Again.

This was the first breach…

Rae.

She might… she might be alive.

She might be there. 

Time magic.

He felt himself hope and shouted. “Pack up boys. We’re headed right for it.”


	2. Chapter 2

It was taking too long. Too many. He set off ahead with instructions for his boys to meet him at Haven.

Krem went with him. Not a word out of him, nothing to argue. Just Krem on his rangy hot blooded charger, riding next to him with nothing more than concerned glances. They were three days into the trip before he finally asked.

When the breach had been stabilized and Bull found himself leaning against his horse in relief. It was stable. She was alive. 

“So what’s going on?”

Bull shrugged. “Seems the best idea for fixing that is to go towards it.”

Krem hummed. “That would have flown if you had stayed with the boys. What’s eating you?”

Bull sighed. He had trained the boy too well. “I just…” What had Kitten always said when she was trying to hide how she knew something? “I just have a gut feeling.”

Krem had scoffed but that had been the end of the questions. 

Until they had reached Haven. Bull had rushed for the gates and felt a bit of nostalgic pain when, just like last time, he was stopped by an antsy guard.

“Halt! S-state your purpose.” 

“I’m here to get hired to help fix that thing.” Bull snapped and pointed at the sky. “Where’s your Herald?”

“The Herald had to go on official Inquisition business. He should be back in a few weeks.” the guard had stammered.

Bull’s mind fixed horribly on that one word. A pronoun. The wrong one. “Who’s the Herald?” He asked quietly.

“Maxwell Trevelyan.” 

He felt his stomach flip up into the spot where his heart had once been and then sink back down to his toes. It was followed by a blinding rush of pain and anger. He was aware he was shouting, that he shouldn’t be shouting, but his Kitten. She was supposed to be Herald. She was supposed to be here. She was supposed to be alright. This was Time magic! If he was here she should have been here!

Krem hit him over the head with the guard’s spear. That helped. Then he grabbed him by the harness and started hauling him into the town. “Come on. Let’s get some drinks.” 

That would help too.

Maybe if he drank enough he would be able to drown the hole in his chest. Krem tried to ask questions, but Bull just drank. One after the other. None of them did more than soften the edges of the tear where his heart was supposed to be. Krem ordered food from a wary kid. ‘House special’. The phrase was Kitten’s. He drained another cup and stared morosely at the food the kid slid in front of him. She should have been here. It took his fuzzy mind a second to realize he recognized the smell. He recognized the smell of that stew, and the fancy way it was served in a bowl carved out of bread. This was Kitten’s cooking.

His hand shot out before he could think through it, desperate hope clawing up through his spine and mind. This was Kitten’s cooking. “You! Where did you get this?! Who made this?” It had to be Kitten. It had to be!

The kid made a noise and slowly his drunken mind started working through the fact that he was scaring the kid and he didn’t want that, he just wanted to know if Kitten was alive if she was here-

“Let him go!” Kitten!

Something crashed into his head, right onto the thick bony plate that seated his horn. Glass and alcohol trickled down his blind side but none of that mattered because that was Kitten’s voice and that was Kitten dragging the kid away and looking up at him with her eyes flashing in defiance.

“You!” His voice escaped him. She was here. She was alive. She wasn’t lying on the ground in a hundred bloody pieces because of that elf. She was alive. He reached for her, struggling to focus past the fuzz of the alcohol he hadn’t needed. He needed to touch her. She was alive.

Alive, and then the blood drained out of her face and her eyes rolled back and she collapsed like a string holding her up had been cut. The drink made him too slow and her head bounced off the table behind her as she fell to the ground. Bull gathered her up gently with hands too well trained to shake. She was so small, smaller than he remembered, without the muscles gained from years of training. The kid had taken off and he stood up and looked at the tavern owner who was glaring at him. “We need a room. Somewhere to lay her down. That alright?” The words felt distant. ‘Automatic’ as Kitten would say. She was here. In his arms. She was alive. Why had she passed out?

Krem got them a room and he laid her on the bed and...

… And then he heard it. 

“Rae! Bull!” 

Solas… the elf. And he was calling his name. He knew them already. Maybe got thrown back by the same thing that threw Bull back.

Solas. 

The one who had killed her. Or would. Time magic.

He snarled and stalked out of the room, grabbing the elf by the collar of his stupid lying outfit and bodily dragging him down the stairs away from Rae. “You…” 

“Bull, she’s hurt.”

“Shut up!” He wanted to kill him here and now.

“I can heal her.” Fen’Harel said in perfectly bewildered innocence, his hands clutching his wrist to keep from hanging from his shirt. “Allow me to move her to a safe place and heal her, ser.”

“Don’t try that with me, elf.” Bull growled at him. “I’m not falling for that twice.” 

Fen’Harel’s eyes widened slightly and then closed in resignation. “Bull… let me heal her.”

“No. You’re not getting near her.” He was going to kill him. Even reached for the blade on his hip, the little one Kitten had told him to start wearing because everyone looks for the big blade, not the little one. 

“What are you doing? Put him down.” Man. Soldier. Fereldon raised, Orlesian born. One leg. Protective. 

Bull considered ignoring him, but… the interruption was enough for his mind to catch up with his hands. Fen’Harel was the one who kept the mark from killing the current Herald. He cursed and dropped the elf. This was a mess. He and the elf stared at each other, two liars calculating and planning. The soldier spoke to the tavern owner, who was herding people out, and then moved up the stairs. 

“You stay away from her.” Bull finally said. He couldn’t kill the guy, but he’d be damned if he let him hurt her again. 

“Bull, I need you to listen. She’s not-”

“I am not doing a damn thing you suggest, elf.” Bull felt a growl rumble up in his chest. “You stay away from her.”

“Bull, you will terrify her-”

“Stop saying my name. We aren’t friends.” Bull snarled at him, then whirled to go check on Rae. Hang the elf. 

“You are being unreasonable!” Fen’Harel shouted as if he had any right to claim anyone else was unreasonable. 

Bull dismissed the urge to punch his face as quickly as it came up. “I’m going to talk to her.” His bad knee ached on the stairs, but nowhere near as bad as it would after ten high dragons. 

“You can’t!” The elf sounded half frantic. It was a good sound on him, if he had to make a sound.

“Shut up.”

The elf grabbed his arm. “Iron Bull, stop! She is not what you think. You do not know-”

Bull moved, his already fragile temper snapping like a web strand at the elf’s demand and touch. This Dread Wolf was claiming to know his Kitten and it was not alright. He had murdered her. He grabbed the elf by the neck and slammed him against the wall, wishing he didn’t care about the world so he could just end it here. “Don’t you dare tell me what I know, elf! What did you do?! She-“

“Is right here, Chief,” Krem said in that tone that meant Bull was going to be getting an earful later. Bull looked over to see his Kitten standing pale and wide eyed in front of the soldier, but whole. Not in pieces, not missing an arm. Unscarred from a decade of fighting. Whole. Krem hovering beside her like he was afraid she was going to pass out again at any moment. 

Her lips moved, but the words that came out were the last he expected to hear. “Please… don’t hurt him.” Her voice was small, strangled. She was terrified. 

What was going on? Bull let the elf go. He always ended up doing what his Kitten told him to. 

“Bull-” That damned elf spoke again.

“Shut up!” He should have his eye on the threat, but he couldn’t look away from Kitten. Alive. Whole. 

She shrank back at the sound of his voice, pressing against the protective soldier like she wished she could run from him. “I’m sorry!”

Sorry? “For what?”

She started trembling. “For… I’m sorry for throwing the bottle at you, sir.” 

‘Sir’? Why was she so scared? What had happened. He stepped towards her, wanting to gather her up, to tuck his face in the crook of her neck and feel her pulse, to tear apart whoever had made her feel like this…

But she looked down and flinched, her voice wavering with panic. “It won’t happen again!”

She… was scared of  _ him _ . Bull stopped and waited. Solas remembered. He remembered. Did Rae remember? Was… Solas had said she wasn’t what he thought. Was she like the kid? A demon who stole Rae’s shape? She looked sick.

“May I heal her at least, The Iron Bull?” Fen’Harel said mockingly, the full name feeling like a slap to the face after this. 

Bull’s fist clenched. He wanted to punch the guy who had done this. He wanted to pick her up and run away with her even if she was a different Rae. He…

“Please.” Rae’s voice shook. “I apologize for any offense I may have caused you, sir.” 

‘Sir’. Again. Scared, deferential, but still protective. That… wasn’t Inquisitor Renae. That was Kitten before her claws grew in. This was Kitten before he had taught her how to move past the conditioning. This was Kitten before she had learned to hold her own.

“Stop.” He couldn’t- he couldn’t bear to see her like this, trying to placate him. Her mouth snapped shut and she blinked as if trying not to cry even as her gaze stayed fixed on the ground. 

Krem spoke in qunlat. “She woke up terrified of being in a man’s bed, chief.” 

Bull stepped back in horror at the realization that… She… she didn’t know him. She didn’t know him, and she was terrified of being-

“Do you trust… Lionel?” Krem said gently. He was a good kid. 

Kitten nodded. 

Krem spoke in Qunlat again. “You’re going to let her go past.”

Well. Yeah. Krem gave the soldier some instructions and the soldier led Kitten down the stairs, placing his body between Kitten and them protectively. She’d be safe with him. He may have lost his leg but he hadn’t lost his fight. 

Bull waited until she was at the bottom of the stairs, a safish distance away, before rounding on the elf. “What did you do?”

“Bull,” the elf closed his eyes as if pained... no, he didn’t get that. 

He stepped closer, wanting to smash him against the wall again but Kitten… “What. Did. You. Do.” 

“I tried to fix my mistake.” 

“Doing a real bang up job there, elf. What-”

“Chief.” Krem cut in. Right. People. Watching.

“I’m doing my best to help her and you are-”

Okay. He hit him. Just once. Not bad. But he enjoyed the sight of blood flowing from a split lip. Guy wasn’t untouchable now. Then he grabbed the Dread Wolf’s shirt and pulled him close. The guy didn’t fight. “Stop. Helping.” 

He felt his head yanked sideways by the horn and Krem’s exasperated. “Right. Come on. We’re not killing anyone.” 

Bull let the elf go and went with Krem. It had been a long time since he had done this. Or… maybe not so long. Time Magic. He growled in irritation and Krem kicked the door shut behind them before letting him go and stepping back to cross his arms. “Chief.” 

Bull ran his hand over his face. “I know the guy.”

“I gathered. What’s going on?”

Bull sat right there on the floor and rubbed his eye. There was a headache blooming behind his horns. “I don’t know, Krem. I really, really don’t know.” 

There was a long silence and then Krem spoke cautiously. “You’re… getting erratic, Chief.”

Crap. 

He remembered this.

Warning Krem that if he lost his reeducation he might go off the rails. Laying out the signs for him to watch out for. 

He was Hissrad again.

How many years since he had been Hissrad? Kitten had helped him break out of the role, find Bull instead of Hissrad but… He was Hissrad right now. He was Qunari. Ben Hassrath. 

Crap.

“Yeah. I’m sorting it out.” He rapped against the bone on the front of his head and then closed his eyes and sat there on the floor and tried to think.

His Kitten was here, but different. Scared. No mark. Deferential. Cooks. Still protective. Didn’t recognize him. Scared of being in a man’s bed. None of this painted a pretty picture. 

“She threw up. Smells like witherstalk tea.” Krem said.

Witherstalk… used to keep a child from taking. The elf had wanted her last time. She had turned him down but the two had stayed close. “You said she was scared of the bed?”

“Yeah. Flinched when I tried to help her up and went white as a sheet when she realized where she was. Very relieved to see the soldier.” 

So she had someone she felt safe around. That was good. “Someone’s hurting her.” 

“Yeah.” Krem said flatly, then added. “The elf? Word is he keeps her for company.”

Bull felt a rush of rage burn through him at the thought. How  _ dare _ he!? After what he did? But no. Stop. Think. Ask Kitten. His impression was the guy would never force her, but… he’d been wrong before about him. He wasn’t putting anything past him at this point, and breaking the one person who had been able to mess with his plans… 

“Keep asking around. I got a bad feeling.” 

Krem wasn’t happy, but he seemed less concerned and Bull would have to live with that. How was he supposed to explain this mess? Time magic? Elvhen gods? It was a mess. 

He went to Red and formally submitted his request for a job, then went and hunted down the viddathari spying and sent back a few coded words and a message with all the reasons he had taken off for the breach without orders. It was good, convincing, would make sure they didn’t send ben hassrath after him for going rogue. Krem had gone to hunt down and speak with Cullen about where the Chargers should make camp when they arrived and Bull was leaning against the door to the tavern waiting for him to come back. The soldier sleeping by the fire didn’t like him much because of the shit show with Rae and Fen’Harel.

What was the elf doing to her? She didn’t have the mark, didn’t have the memories. But… last go ‘round she had been the only thing capable of making him squirm. She had foiled plans, messed up plots, all with a smile, hell. She had… she had stopped his attempt. Now she was skittish and terrified. Was he taking revenge on the thorn in his foot? Or… she had tried to protect him. Was he trying to condition her? Bring her to his side? Or… take his second chance? He didn’t have enough information and way too much justified anger at the so called god. 

He heard a sharp, panicked inhale and he looked up and felt his heart lurch at the sight of his Kitten, alive and whole and he moved towards her, wanting to hold her but- She paled and turned on her heel and… she ran. From him. Blindly. She bounced off of the Commander’s chest and- shit! She had been terrified of him in the first go round, let alone now and- yeah. There was her barrier. She was curled up on the ground with her hands over her head and Bull felt his chest ache because he hadn’t seen her do that in almost a decade but now… She was apologizing to the boy and crawling away in the snow. He crouched by her and put his hand on her shoulder but… she flinched and swallowed instead of leaning into it. 

Was it even her? He gave the Commander a reassuring sentence and the boy left quickly. He had always felt guilty of how skittish Kitten had been around him last go too. Damn. He needed more information. 

“Come on.” He moved to help her up, feeling queasy at the glassy, wide eyed look she had as she started trying to pull away.

“No… please! I’m sorry!” She was pleading.

“Stop.” He couldn’t… He was Hissrad. He needed to ask her some questions.

He forced himself distant. Calculating. Observing. She squeezed her eyes shut as if she wanted to disappear, then seemed to have a flash of irritation, mostly likely self directed. Then: “I’m sorry.” Her voice was small and cautious.

He took her into the tavern and he saw her look at the soldier asleep by the fire, saw her mouth open as if to call for help, but then her eyes flicked from the soldier to Bull’s hand and she clamped her mouth shut with a resigned expression. She didn’t want him hurt. Thought he would hurt him. Was willing to walk into a bad situation to keep him from being hurt. Always self sacrificing.

She was shaking when he brought her to his room and he felt a flash of irritation for not thinking of a better place to talk. He couldn’t set her on the bed, that would just make her think… the chair. He pulled the chair out and saw her get pale at the sight of it. Weird… She seemed frozen so he tilted his head towards it in indication and she swallowed heavily and slipped into it, hugging herself as if she was trying to make herself disappear. He was looming over her and he didn’t want that- didn’t need her to be too scared to talk. He moved to the bed and sat on it, stretching out his bad leg to make it look like he wouldn’t be able to get up quickly. 

“So.” He started, but then stopped because… now what?

Her mouth opened but then she closed it and swallowed and looked down. She was willing to talk, but scared to.

“How’d you end up here?”

Her eyes widened and she looked at the door as if afraid it would suddenly burst open. “I… don’t think the spymaster-”

“I got signed on this morning. Anything I send back has to go through her.” He reassured her, lied to her, then realized that this Rae probably didn't know he was a spy yet. No one knew except Fen’Harel.

But she slumped slightly in relief. She knew, somehow. “I… fell out of a rift… sir.” 

That ‘sir’ still made his chest ache, but… out of a rift, like before, but with no mark. “And before that?” Was it possible she was his Rae, just had her memories locked up in the Fade like last time? Or was she a spirit Rae? Or was this time magic, and she was the old Rae, just things had changed?

“I- I don’t remember. I’m sorry, sir.” Her breathing was shallow and quick, panicky.

He leaned back and pushed out his other leg. He really would be a little slower getting up now. “You’re real skittish, Kitten.”

She flinched slightly over the name and hunched down further into the chair, but kept her mouth shut with an air of uncertainty.

Huh… That was suspiciously familiar. Some of the tevinter slaves ‘liberated’ by the Qun had that air. Don’t speak unless spoken to. “Why?”

And yup, there was the answer now that there was a direct question. “I… am accident prone. And small. And… I get in trouble because I don’t think and I just talk-” Her eyes widened and she snapped her mouth shut to cut off the spiel of words.

He frowned and leaned forward. Who was telling her that? That was a list of excuses and none of them true. “No offense, sweetheart, but that’s a load of BS.”

She burst into tears and he had to ruthlessly shove down the urge to gather her up to comfort her. “I… I don’t know what you want me to say! I don’t know the right answer! I don’t want to die! I just want to be invisible and cook!” 

Shit. Someone was hurting her, training her to be quiet and obedient, and she was terrified. And he couldn’t even help because she didn’t remember him and was scared of him. He held himself carefully still as she sobbed apologies that got worse every time she looked at him. He was almost about to risk making her faint again by getting up to go get Krem or the soldier to help her… but he needed to know if Fen’Harel was the one doing this to her. Breach or not, he’d break the elf’s legs if he was…

She managed to get a tenuous grip on herself, keeping her eyes shut so she wasn’t looking at him and clutching the chair seat with white knuckles. She looked like she was gathering up her courage so he asked his question. “That elf giving you trouble?”

She cringed over the word ‘elf’, like she had in the other time, always sticking up for non humans. Then she shook her head rapidly. “No, sir. He hasn’t.” Hesitant, but in a thoughtful way, as if just realizing it herself.

“Why are you staying with him?”

“I…” She shook her head and then her face screwed up like she was trying to think of what she was supposed to answer. Her face was like a book. “The spymaster made him responsible for me.” She then added a hasty, “Sir.”

Still new to that then, still being trained into it. Red had given her to the elf? She fell out of a rift, like last time but without the mark. Made sense to keep an eye on her. Why him though? He adjusted his position and she shrank back in the chair as if bracing herself to be hurt.

Krem chose that moment to come in with his news, but he froze at the sight of Rae and then glared at him. 

He shrugged. He was Hissrad. He was a liar. He was a spy. He was doing his job. “I had questions.”

“You are terrifying her!” Krem practically yelled, then muttered some very unflattering things about spies. 

Fair enough. Rae looked wan, pale and shaky. “Hungry?”

She shook her head, but looked away and pressed her lips together. Lying. She was still a terrible liar. If she was his Rae. He stood carefully. “You’re a terrible liar. Krem get something decent for us to eat.” 

She started to protest but closed her mouth when he looked at her. Whoever was hurting her was making a big emphasis on ‘quiet’. That wasn’t good. Krem heard the implied order to leave them be and left, and Hissrad sat back down on the bed and tried to think how to tell… The demon kid had said he liked songs because they were full of hurts and soft things, but that it was almost impossible for a demon to sing because they couldn’t focus on the words past the emotions in it. 

“Sing.”

Her mouth fell open and she shook her head slightly. “I- I c-“

“Sing.” He positioned himself so he looked a little less threatening and waited to see what she would do.. 

She swallowed and he could see her eyes flicking back and forth as she tried to think. She hesitantly started quoting that Andrastian hymn and he stopped her. Everyone knew that.

“Sing something I’ve never heard before. Something new.”

His Kitten had been full of songs never heard before. She started crying again, shrinking back in the chair, and he repeated the order quietly. Her chest hitched as her mind worked frantically, each emotion and thought flitting clearly across her face. Always so readable. Eventually she inhaled and started singing, shaking and weak and-

The tear where his heart had lived ached in a pain so deep he wanted to cry with her. That was his song. His Kitten had sung it to him the first night after he had gone Tal Vashoth, to try and comfort him. She sang it to him whenever the line between Bull and Hissrad had gone too fuzzy to be clear. He had to close his eye and lean back to draw in his emotions and lock them back behind that fuzzy, too weak line between Hissrad and Bull. That was his song, that was his Kitten, but… changed. She didn’t remember him. She didn’t know that was the song she sang on the bad days when he edged too close to madness. 

She stopped, her voice cracking and he needed… “Keep going.” 

She sniffled and Bull ached at the sound and Hissrad noted that she obeyed even though this scared her. 

“Masquerading as a man with a reason, My charade is the event of the season, And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know. On a stormy sea of moving emotion. Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean. I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say.” She closed her eyes and for just a moment, her voice was clear. “Carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest and don't you cry no more.”

This was his Kitten, but the Kitten that would have been without the mark, without the support. He remembered the bad days when she would flinch and cover her head, then laugh it off. She had moved past it, but… this is what she would have been without the help. This was his Rae, but hurting and alone. Who was hurting her?

"Rumor is the elf is keeping you for company."

She went completely white and shook her head, looking horrified at the thought. "He- he hasn't-"

He shoved his relief across the line and into the heart of Bull. Hissrad noted that if the elf hadn’t, someone else had. "I want you to let me know if he tries anything."

She looked baffled, but nodded obediently. He let her go. She started as if she wanted to bolt, but then froze, grimaced, and then slowly stood up. Too slow, deliberate, forced. Someone was training her not to run. Damn. 

She whispered a broken thanks and then deliberately walked to the door, her spine stiff and steps measured. 

Damn. 

The moment the door shut behind her he crossed the divide between Hissrad and Bull and leaned into his hand to cry. That… that was his Rae, Kadan, Kitten, but different. Hurting, alone, and afraid. Whatever time magic had thrown them back here… she had really died in front of the Dread Wolf. This was the old Rae that would never be Inquisitor. His Kitten was dead, a decade away and never to be. His Kadan was lost.

He scrubbed at his face when the door reopened but it was too late. Krem gave him a lost look. “You… need the feelings stick, chief?” 

He shook his head. “Nah. Not yet. You talk to her?”

“Yeah. She says that they don’t trust her. Thinks you’re working for them already.” Krem gave him a long, concerned look. “Hope you got what you need, because I told her I’d keep you away from her.” 

Fair enough. It hurt, but he had scared her. “Alright.” 


	3. Chapter 3

Red stared at him and he made himself shift his weight as if he was uncomfortable. She tapped the paper he had written up yesterday. “You wish us to hire your group.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Okay… it slipped out.

Her eyebrow arched. “Is it true the Qun has a matriarchy?”

Um. “Yes?”

She smiled, slow and satisfied. “I have a source that says you’re a spy for the Qun.”

Rae. How had she known? “yes, ma’am. I was gonna tell you, but it seems your cook beat me to it.” 

“Oh?” She said doubtfully, not even batting an eye at the mention of Rae. 

“Yeah. I find it’s better to get messy things like that out of the way quick. They always come out eventually.” 

She hummed thoughtfully. “And if I demanded you send all of the reports you receive and send through me?”

“I’d agree.” That was the same deal as last time. Though he wouldn’t be sending back near as much this go around. Just enough to keep them satisfied, not enough to affect the Inquisition.

“Then I see no problem. Welcome to the Inquisition. The Ambassador will settle your pay.” She scrawled a quick signature onto the contract and handed it to him. He took it, but her fingers tightened at the last second and she stared at him sharply. “The Ambassador is very fond of our cook, The Iron Bull.” 

A warning. Good, Rae had someone looking out for her. That made two for sure, the soldier and the Ambassador. “Who wouldn’t be?” 

Her eyes narrowed but she let the paper go. He was in. Still without meeting the new Herald. He settled back and tried to get an idea of what was going on here. Some things were the same, Red, Ruffles, Curly. He had to be careful to call them by their titles instead of the nicknames of a decade. These guys didn’t know him. He was just the qunari merc that was also a spy. Krem didn’t have to work too hard to keep him away from Rae. Hissrad was done with her for now, and Bull was trying to give her a little space to get used to him.

The kid he had scared never came close enough for him to apologize and he wasn’t about to try and chase him down in order to. That was a bridge burned that he hadn’t meant to. The servants did not like the new Herald. The Soldiers didn’t care much either way, they just wanted the breach closed. Rae was considered Solas’ bed warmer, but a damn good cook. Most liked her well enough, not enough to shut up the others, but enough to not give her trouble. Her soldier got in a scuffle over one who said too much. The Commander was avoiding her but she always made sure he had something to eat.

And then… Flissa came out of the kitchen with little Meraad. His Meraad. She was so small again, so tiny. The first kid Rae had adopted, and then later, he had. Their Meraad. Of course, her name had been Dalan last go around until Solas had explained what it meant and then Rae had spent weeks trying to think of a new name for her. He had been the one to name her. Meraad. Flissa was busy, and it was easy to coax the curious kid, his kid, over to him. 

Krem had gone to settle the Chargers and Meraad was a curious child. She was fascinated by his horns, and all he had to do was give her a few smiles, and not react when she started inching towards him. Eventually she was peering over the edge of the table at him with large, wary eyes. He gave her a little smile. “Hey there, Meraad. Want a snack?”

She ducked down a little and blinked at him, but nodded. 

“Alright. Hmm… what’s a good snack for a little one? Do you eat… bugs?”

Her head popped up and she wrinkled her nose and shook her head. He had missed this, her timid curiosity.

“Hmm.” He rubbed his chin in exaggerated thoughtfulness. “What about… rolls?”

She nodded eagerly and then shyly pointed at his horns. He bent his head so she could reach them.

“Hey, keep!” He called out. “Can I get some bread?”

Flissa nodded and called out to the kid he had scared, who gave him a wide eyed glance before ducking into the kitchen. Rae would be out shortly. Meraad tentatively touched his horns, and then grabbed onto one of them with both hands, giggling when he lifted his head and started to lift her up. He balanced her on his leg and steadied her and let her examine his horn and tried not to laugh when she knocked on his head. She touched his ear, and then her own, and then patted her own head.

“Nah, sorry, kid. You won’t get horns.” 

She pouted and yanked on his horn. 

“It doesn’t come off, little Meraad.”

He glanced up and saw Rae standing there with a plate gripped with white knuckles as she stared at him in absolute terror. He gave her a smile and she swallowed before walking towards him with deliberate, forced steps. Her hand was shaking as she set the plate on the table and she made a little furtive movement like she wanted to snatch Meraad away from him. 

“I’m sorry she’s bothering you, sir. I’ll-”

“She’s no problem, Kitten.” He tried to reassure her, but she flinched at the name. Damn. Someone was calling her that in a bad way. Bull handed Meraad one of the rolls and she let go of his horn to hold it close and start tearing into it hungrily. This must be the first day Rae had her if she was this hungry. 

Rae held out shaky hands to Meraad and tried to coax her away, but Meraad was happy where she was. He tried giving her a reassuring smile. “I have her.” 

She swallowed and looked like she was close to crying. “What… do you need anything?”

Bull realized with a rush of ice through his chest that she thought he was threatening the kid, holding her hostage. Hissrad noted that she was willing to do anything to protect the kid. It would be used against her. 

He went for casual, letting her know he wasn’t angling for anything from her, that he was gentle with Meraad, but she just stood there rigidly. Scared. 

“What’s her name?” He tried for the conversation angle. He half hoped she would say ‘Dalan’ but…

“I don’t know, sir.” ‘Sir’ again, and in barely a whisper. She told him about Meraad’s parents, and her eyes never wavered from where his hand was on Meraad’s arm.

He hummed and his voice caught on the edge of a purr (it wasn’t a purr. Not really. No matter how much it had delighted Kitten and she had insisted it was a purr-) Meraad giggled and thwacked him on the chest and he did it again for her benefit and pretended not to see that Rae had gone pale and had twitched protectively when the kid had slapped him. Her voice caught on a choked plea and it hurt to see her so scared, hurt to see that she thought he would hurt a kid.

“She yours now?” He pretended he didn’t know that Rae would collect every stray kid in Haven by the time it fell. Damn… what about Kalin? She had picked him up on her first trip to Redcliff, but if she never went...

She nodded, and then her eyes widened and she glanced up at him as if realizing he might use that information against her. “Um… Please… I-“ 

“You don’t want to leave her with me. Where you can’t see.”He pretended to realize what was wrong. He could use this to get his way into her kitchen, acclimate her to his presence. Slowly regain her trust so she would come to him if she needed help.

She shook her head and then flinched and he gave her a smile before standing up, putting a little more effort than necessary into the action to slow it down for her. “Alright, Kitten.”

The name slipped out and she flinched again, even as her hands lifted towards Meraad. He pretended not to notice and walked into the kitchen. The soldier was watching with narrow eyes and he gave him a nod of acknowledgement as he moved and sat down in the chair in the corner. It was probably Rae’s stepping chair. He smiled at Rae, who was watching him with unease, her fist clenched against her heart in worry.

“You can see now.”

She stared at him and he could see her mind whirling. He had the kid, he was in her space, he was staring at her. Okay. Now he wasn’t staring at her. The door opened and he saw the kid he had scared bringing in firewood. The kid dropped the wood and ran away.

He grimaced at the fallen wood. He really regretted that drunken emotional lapse. “Jumpy kid.” 

Kitten abruptly bared her teeth at him in her adorable little snarl she didn’t know she did when she was angry and turned and slammed a plate against the counter before aggressively grabbing her hot cloths. “I wonder why he’s scared of the giant mercenary who manhandled him?” She snapped, then after a moment of glaring at her work counter, whirled, her face pale and her eyes wide. “I’m sorry, sir.”

He was grinning outright, so, so relieved to see she still had her bite. He didn’t think she’d appreciate him telling her that though, so he just snagged a bit of cheese for Meraad and playfully said, “Kitten hissed at me.” 

She flinched at the name again, but seemed to be trying to figure out if he was mad at her or not. She didn’t come to a conclusion before Krem stormed in with an exasperated, “The moment I turn my back on you I find you in here harassing the girl again? What are you even doing!?” His qunlat was a lot rougher than it would be in a few years, but still enough to get the point across.

Bull grinned and pointed at Meraad, who had some cheese on her face and was watching in interest. “Babysitting.” 

The boy didn’t buy it for a moment but checked on Rae, who nodded hesitantly and gave an equally hesitant response that she was, though her eyes were still fixed on where his hand was on Meraad’s arm to steady her. Krem didn’t buy that for a moment either. Krem glared at him again, but then-

“Rae?” The elf. 

Rae’s attention snapped to him, but she looked relieved, if baffled, to see him.

The Dread Wolf glared at him as he stepped into the kitchen. “Rae?

Hissrad noted the slight flexing of his fingers, of the way his eyes shimmered slightly. He was preparing a spell. Bull prepared to jump and put his bulk between whatever spell the elf was preparing and the kid, but Fen’Harel just crouched down and conjured a flickering light that he spun through his fingers and called the child to him. Bull let the kid go, knowing that trying to keep her away from him would only escalate this. The elf picked her up quickly and then just as quickly… moved and put his arm around Rae’s shoulders. The only thing that kept him from leaping up and ripping his arm off was Rae’s completely grateful and relieved expression as she let him take her away. 

Breathe. Do not kill the elf. 

How many times had Rae ordered him not to kill the elf?

Too many. 

He heard the kid assure her that he would speak to the keep for her. Three. The Kid, the soldier, the Ambassador. And okay, judging by Krem’s outright murderous glare, four. She had four people looking out for her. He was not going to count the elf. The elf wanted something. (Her.)

“Chief…” Krem said warningly. 

“I’m just going to see what he’s up to.” He said and stood up. 

“You need to leave her alone.” The soldier said sharply.

Hissrad gave him a flat look. “That elf is trouble.” He grunted in frustration. “I’ll be by to check on the boys after.”

Krem sighed but Bull was already taking off out the door after the Dread Wolf and Rae and Meraad. He followed them up the path and then felt his stomach twist in fury when Fen’Harel took her right to his own cabin. The elf spoke to her softly and handed the child over with a smile, then lifted his head and locked gazes with him. Another soft few words and then Rae was looking back at him, her face falling in terror as she clutched Meraad closer to her chest and hurried into the cabin. Fen’Harel’s cabin. He was keeping her with him.

The elf approached him with a flat expression and Hissrad turned on his heel and started walking away, back towards the wall where they wouldn’t be disturbed. The elf caught up with him and hissed. “You need to let her be. She is terrified and you are not helping her.”

He growled but kept going until they reached a shed by the wall. He stopped and turned to fix the elf with a glare. Don’t kill the elf. “What are you doing with her?”

“Trying to keep her safe!” he said, as if he had any right to say that.

“You?” He practically spat the word, wished it was as sharp and poison coated as it felt. 

“I…” The elf grimaced. “Know I am not the best for the task, but I was the only option she had.”

“I’m here now.”

“Yes, and I was hoping-” The elf sighed and scrubbed his face. 

“Hoping what?”

“That she would remember you.”

Yeah right.

“My Kadan is dead.” Bull spat. “The Rae you just shut up in your cabin isn’t like us. She isn’t-” He had to stop before he started crying again.

“She remembers things she shouldn’t.” Fen’Harel said with too much hope.

“Intuition.” Just like… just like last time.

“I-”

“Enough! Shut up!” He grabbed the elf’s shirt and dragged him close, fury raging behind his teeth. He wanted to roar, to tear, to turn this liar into a pile of bloody pieces just like he had his Kadan. 

“Bull-” He wasn’t fighting but he was still. Talking. 

“Shut up!” He swung and slammed the elf into the wall, noting the abrupt grunt it pulled from him, the wince that was too fast to be fake. His Rae had said he had been weakened at first. "Stay away from her or I’ll-"

"You'll What? Kill the only thing keeping that mark stable? Let the breach grow?" Fen’Harel hissed between his teeth. He looked furious and guilty and too alive. 

Too alive to ease the rift where Bull’s heart had been, but alive because… he was necessary. Bull had seen what had happened to Rae’s arm when the elf hadn’t been there to keep it contained. It had eaten the flesh away, pulsing and crackling with heat that made your teeth buzz. Rae had tried so hard to be brave, bit back her pained cries, but she had always been a terrible liar. He growled, frustrated and  _ hurting _ and he pulled the Dread Wolf back only to slam him back against the wall hard enough for his head to bounce off of the wood. He still wasn’t fighting. 

"I'm taking her with me." She didn’t have the mark. She wasn’t the Herald. He could take her away from here, Meraad too. Take them somewhere safe, let her heal. Even if she never… never was his Kadan again, at least she would be safe.

“She's not yours. Or have you forgotten who you are, The Iron Bull?”

There it was. The title. Another slap in the face. What he was… what he is. Because of him. He grabbed the elf by the throat and he was going to hit him, punch the glare from his face but- he was needed. His fist collided painfully against the wood right by Fen’Harel’s head. 

“She is frightened of you.” The elf’s eyes closed as if he was grieving, and he didn’t get that. He did this. He killed his Kitten. He sent them back to here, where everything was wrong and Rae was scared and hurting and some random stuck up human noble had the mark. Rae was hurting and scared, and Bull was Hissrad.

“And whose fault is that?” 

His eyes were still closed so Bull slowly let go of his throat. He couldn’t kill him. Not with the breach. Not with the rifts. Not with Rae being in this world. 

“I… am sorry.” the elf’s voice was soft and-

No. “You. You are sorry?” He twisted his fingers into the elf’s shirt and slammed him back up against the wall, shaking with the need to kill the man but not- He punched the wall and then, when he was certain he wouldn’t crush his skull, punched his face. He had killed Rae. He had stood over the bloody pieces of his heart. How many times had Rae begged him to stop? To give up? To try something new? How many times had she insisted they bring him in alive, and then his magic had torn her apart, had torn time apart. “You are sorry? You don’t get to be sorry, elf!”

“Bull, She was frightened of you be-“ The elf tried, blood trickling from where his lip had been cut on his own teeth.

Bull hit him again. He didn’t get to use his name. He didn’t get to try to excuse what he had done to the woman who called him friend, the woman he had claimed to love. 

“Not like this!” She had been skittish. She had been tense, but she hadn’t- she hadn’t thought he would threaten a kid. He drew back to hit him again.

“Stop!” Kitten’s command had him freezing in place. “stop… please!” And then her shaky plea had him wanting to tear the elf apart anew. 

“What?” He knew- he knew she didn’t know who Solas really was, but… 

“Stop hurting him… please.” Rae lifted her hands to plead and they were shaking.

Her hands were shaking and she looked terrified as she pleaded with  _ him _ \- He snarled and glared at the elf, his chest aching with grief and rage and- Kitten wasn’t going to spar with him until he was exhausted and then sing until he could find his peace. 

“I’ll go with you!” She cried out, desperate. How long had she been listening? But he- He wanted to agree. To pick her up and drag her out of this place, away from the elvhen god who would kill her, away from whoever was hurting her. 

“Rae-” The elf started to interfere and he shook him to shut him up.

“I’ll go with you if you’ll stop hurting him. Please.” She looked like she was going to throw up. Terrified and still self sacrificing. He couldn’t leave her like this.

He’d have Krem get the kid. They could leave in maybe three hours. There was a house in the Hinterlands that was abandoned. He’d have to do a little work to keep it safe, but she and Meraad could stay in it. Safe. He could deal with the ben hassrath that came after him. “Alright.” He dropped the elf and grabbed her arm, gentle so he didn’t bruise her. She always bruised easily. 

“Bull-” The Dread Wolf said hoarsely, calling him by his name as if they were friends.

“Shut up! You’ve done enough, elf.” And now Hissrad was here, The Iron Bull was holding onto the arm of Bull’s Kadan and she was crying.

She sobbed but still asked the elf to take care of the kid. Still protecting others before herself. He was moving too quickly, should slow down. Kitten was practically running to keep up with him, but he needed to get her out of here. He needed her somewhere safe, somewhere the Dread Wolf couldn’t tear her apart, somewhere away from whoever was trying to train her into quiet obedience. But beyond that desperate, mad need to get her away, he could see her breath hitching, the tiny hairs on the backs of her hands raising. She was about to explode. 

“Calm down.” He said, pulling her forward to face him. “Your magic’s unstable. Breathe.”

Her eyes widened in shock and fear and her breath froze even as he felt the faint staticky sensation of her magic rising up. He patted the side of her face just sharply enough to get her to focus. She’d hate it if she had an outburst. “Breathe. Control it.” He knew she could. She sucked in a breath, but her eyes were still wide with terror. He knew he should be taking the time to reassure her, but he needed her away from this mess. She could hate him later. He praised her softly when she breathed in and she let out a shaky but controlled exhale. She closed her eyes and the staticky feeling went away as she breathed. 

He took her arm again to lead her to camp. “Just keep breathing, Kitten.” 

She flinched and seemed to curl in and he cursed whoever had ruined her nickname for her. He needed to stop calling her that. “Breathe.” 

She made a panicky whimpering sound when she inhaled and he ruthlessly shoved the pain aside to deal with later. She tripped and he picked her up, mentally cringing because that would leave a bruise. She whimpered again as they passed out of the gates and he felt like a monster but that was alright as long as he could get her somewhere safe. There were riders approaching and Varric was there with them, already unslinging Bianca from his back with a murderous expression as he took in Rae and him.

Bull felt resigned relief that she had Varric too. Five.

“What are you doing with my cook?” The human snapped. 

Him. Possessive, depersonalized. Didn’t even ask if she was alright, just wanted to know what he was doing with his thing. That was the one who was hurting her. He put on a casual smile and hoped that Varric would aim for something nonlethal. “She was going to join the Chargers.”

“I can’t let you do that, Rae. Get back to work.” 

Nevermind she was crying and shaking because, from all appearances, she was being dragged off by a merc (Bull was aware he was fucking up. He really was.), ‘get back to work’. No seeing if she was alright. This wasn’t protective, this was possessive. The Iron Bull considered drawing his ax. He could probably kill the guy before Varric shot him, but then the guy’s fingers twitched and there was a faint green glimmer from his glove and-

Crap. 

Trevelyan. The Herald. He couldn’t kill him any more than he could kill the Dread Wolf. It was almost enough to make him laugh until he broke his own ribs with it. But instead he let go of Rae’s arm and tried not to look like he cared when she staggered away and made a little panicked sound in her throat. 

“Go back to work, Rae.” The Herald said sharply, still glaring at him. 

Hissrad heard Rae stammer out a ‘yes, sir’ and shuffle off. The Herald was possessive, but not in a caring way. She was something for him to use and control. 

Human. Noble. Probably ‘racist’. Most human nobles bought into the dumb, primitive qunari shtick. Varric went after Rae and Cassandra glared at him, but the Herald asked her to call a Council meeting. He waited until Varric (and the others, but mostly Varric and Bianca) was out of earshot before grunting. “She yours?”

The Herald nodded sharply. “Yes.”

“Can I have her?” Hissrad calmly worked towards his goal of getting her away. Bull  _ howled _ at the helpless rage tearing inside him. The one hurting her was the one he couldn’t do anything about. 

The man snorted. “Why would I just give her to you? She’s far too valuable to let you break.” 

“She’s a cook.” He shrugged, already locking the desire to turn this waste of flesh into a bloody smear away with the other messy emotions he would deal with later. “How much?”

“More than you can afford.” 

Lovely. He saw her as a thing, and unfortunately, a valuable one. “Well, if you change your mind, let me know.” He forced himself to grin.

The man made a thoughtful hum and then smiled. “If I do, I’ll be sure to let you know.” He dismounted and held out his hand. “Herald of Andraste, Maxwell Trevelyan.” Title first, trying to impress, make himself important or to intimidate. Rae had always introduced herself as just that ‘Rae’, a person, make a connection, gain an ally and friend. Open and honest. Nothing she wasn’t.

Hissrad gripped his arm and didn’t crush it. Bull wanted to crush it, tear the limb off so he couldn’t hurt Rae with it again. “The Iron Bull of the Chargers. We just hired on with your outfit.” 

“Mercenaries?” 

“The best, bas.” Bull slipped the word into the sentence. Most humans didn’t know enough qunlat to catch the dig, and this one was no different.

“Boss. I like that.”

Sure he did. “Really though… can I have her?” He tried for eagerness, even as it made his stomach ache in disgust.

Tevelyan laughed and clapped him on the shoulder. “Ah, if she proves less valuable than I suspect, I’m sure we can come to an arrangement. For now, I have important business to attend to. I will speak to you later, Iron Bull.” 

Hissrad didn’t even bother to correct him. He needed to get away before he destroyed the bastard, mark or no. Trevelyan sauntered off, carelessly tossing the reins to a stable hand. Hissrad kept his expression schooled into disappointment and went to the Charger’s camp. Krem was glaring at him and he grabbed the boy’s shoulder and dragged him into the nearest tent. It was Skinner and Dalish’s but that didn’t matter.

“Chief. What. The. Fuck. Are you doing?” Krem hissed.

Bull sat down on one of the bedrolls and covered his mouth with his hand as he tried to think. Think! “I’m going Tal Vashoth.”

Krem’s eyes widened. “Shit. Do we need to-”

“No. It’s… not like that.” He waved his hand and sighed. “I know the elf.”

“I gathered.”

“But I know her too.”

Krem blinked.

“She doesn’t remember me. Doesn’t remember anything from before she fell out of a rift after the Conclave.” It was a lie, but with enough truth to fly. Simple enough to explain without having to… explain.

“Crap.” 

“Yeah. So I know the elf, and he has her, and she doesn’t remember, and that…” He had to stop and grit his teeth. “ _ Rat _ is hurting her.” 

“The elf?” Krem asked incredulously.

“Not… probably not. Not yet anyway. The ‘Herald of Andraste’.” He spat. “The one guy I can’t-”

Krem paused. “We going to break contract?”

It wouldn’t be the first time Bull had broken a contract because of his conscience. But this? This was different. “If I do, I will be declared Tal Vashoth. Orders came in. I’m supposed to stay on the Herald’s good side. Which happens to be that rat.” 

Krem cursed. “So what’s the plan, Chief?”

“Gimme a minute.” He closed his eyes and tried to think past the pain and rage. 

He couldn’t kill the guy with the mark. He couldn’t kill the guy who stabilized the mark. If he grabbed Rae and ran, he would be declared Tal Vashoth, which he didn’t mind. But if he grabbed Rae and ran… the Herald would set Red after him.

“You were trying to get her out of here?”

“Yeah. She’s terrified of me, but I don’t care. I was gonna set her up safe in a house I know of.” He answered automatically. “Safe.” 

“And go Tal Vashoth.”

“Yeah.”

“For her?”

“For a lot of reasons. But yeah, for her.” Crap. He was saying too much. He shut his mouth and tried to think. 

Krem narrowed his eyes at him. “Who was she?”

Bull covered his face with his hand again. “Once upon a time, she put me back together. Kept me from going mad.” Kadan. Carry on, my wayward son. There’ll be peace when you are done. “I can’t go Tal Vashoth before… they’ll send ben hassrath after me. That rat has his claws in her. If I take her and go, he’ll set the Inquisition after me. I can handle one, but I can’t handle ben hassrath and the Inquisition both after me.”

“You’re… really…” Krem sounded stunned. “Shit, you love her.”

He laughed, a pained, broken sounding laugh that scraped up from his belly and through the ragged edges of his chest and cut its way out of his throat. “Yeah.” 


	4. Chapter 4

Krem broke out the feelings stick. They had a scrap of a plan in place. The Iron Bull was going to play the ‘dumb qunari savage’ stick with the Herald. Become someone he relied on for the less savory sides of his personality, gathering dirt on him while appeasing the Qun. He and the boys were going to do their best to protect Rae without tripping the rat’s attention. 

It was a shit plan. 

His entire abdomen was a mass of a bruise, but he had a grip on himself. It was easier to focus on the physical pain that would heal. Krem had gone into the tavern for a moment and had come out with a disturbed expression. “She doesn’t remember.”

“Yeah.” He was proud of the boy for double checking and not just taking his word as law.

Krem cursed and scratched at his hair in frustration. “This is a mess.”

“It’s going to get worse.” The Iron Bull agreed.

“Your gut tell you that?”

“My gut tells me you hit like a kid.”

“Ha. Ha.” 

“Speaking of kids, I’m going to hang out in the kitchen for a bit.”

“Chief…”

“Yes. I know. It’s a terrible idea.” But he was still going to do it. Even though it cut at the ragged edges of him when she looked at him like he was a threat. She was alive. And whole. And he would live with the bleeding ache in his chest as long as he could see  _ she _ wasn’t in bloody pieces. 

He went through the dining area, slipping Red’s spy a silver to let him past without trouble. Meraad shrieked in delight when she saw him and it was like a piece of willow bark between his teeth, a slight relief to the pain of losing someone standing in front of you. He picked her up and let her grab at his horns again. Last go around, Rae had paid Krem to sew her a little hat with stuffed horns and she had never taken it off until she outgrew it.

“S-sir? Can I- can I help you?” Rae stuttered, her eyes fixed on his hands on Meraad’s waist. 

“It’s alright if I sit in here and keep an eye on her, right? I know you get nervous when you can’t see her.” He pretended not to hear the unspoken ‘I’ll do what you want please don’t hurt them’. Pretended that, as far as she knew, she hadn’t sold herself to a random qunari merc.

Her soldier tried to disagree but she allowed him with a quick, “yes, sir.” Another unspoken ‘whatever you want’. 

He gave her the gentlest smile he could manage, no teeth, and took the stepping chair again. He could stand up and reach things for her if she needed. She was staring at him in frozen terror, but the second he looked her in the eye she dropped her gaze and moved to her cooking. The action made him want to hit something, but Meraad was on his knee and he had to bide his time. The soldier was still glaring at him suspiciously. 

He was going to end up with a knife in the back from that one. He’d probably deserve it. He tried for a bit of ‘de-escalation’, slipped Rae some money for the kid (his kid. No, not his this go around) without it seeming like… well. Anyway, he could see Rae making up her shopping list in her head as she started the familiar motions of baking. He started talking to Meraad about the different flowers and their meanings. It was a sappy, ridiculous thing he had studied up after his Kadan had given him half of a dragon’s tooth. She had laughed at him, but it stuck with him. Meraad listened raptly. She probably wouldn’t speak for another year, unless things shifted that drastically. 

The soldier was watching him still, but it was less wary than before. Bull tried not to react when he saw Rae’s face crumple when she broke the first cookie. He wanted to tell her it was alright, but… right now he thought that letting her know he had seen would be worse for her. She set the broken pieces aside carefully and he figured Meraad would get them after he left. The rest of the cookies survived until Varric came in and startled her. She broke another and had to scrub off the tears that sprang up because to her, breaking a cookie was a failure. But he couldn’t really focus on her right now, because Varric was eyeing him like he was marking all the spots Bianca could punch through. 

Probably because that’s what he was doing. Bull, for his part, just calculated exactly how he’d have to move to shield Meraad with enough body mass to keep the bolt from punching through. Though he doubted Varric would shoot him with a kid on his lap. Rae was shifting nervously, glancing between him and Varric and Bull added a mental calculation of how he would have to move if Rae decided to throw herself between them. 

“Odd place to find a merc, isn’t it?”

“I paid her to make some cookies. Keeping an eye on Meraad here while she does.” He bounced Meraad on his knee, drawing delighted giggles from her and showing Varric the kid was alright with him. 

“You uh, often drag sobbing women around?” The dwarf sat down but set Bianca on the table and rested his hand on it. In that position he could have a bolt off before Bull could make it halfway to him. Good. Rae froze, her spatula gripped with white knuckles. 

He put on a laugh. Play his part while trying not to get shot. He might survive a dagger from the soldier, but Bianca was meaner. “Ah, sometimes, when the job calls for it. Don’t like it much.” 

“And what kind of job involves Kitten here?”

Rae didn’t flinch when Varric called her that, he had originally given her the nickname so it made sense. 

“Hiring her as a cook for the Chargers. Bas won’t let me though. Shame.” 

Varric knew a bit of qunlat and the guy was sharp. He picked up on the ‘bas’ and narrowed his eyes.

“Guy’s real prickly about her.” Bull added, wanting a little hint of doubt in Varric’s mind. The guy was good, and if he was this protective of Rae, then that little hint could be enough for him to go looking. 

Rae interjected herself between them, just as he had suspected she would, and shoved the plate of cookies at him with shaking hands. He grinned at her out of habit as he put Meraad back on the floor. She was so darn protective it was ridiculous. Cute. She was cute when she got her hackles up. He gave Meraad a cookie and his kid- the kid’s eyes widened in delight and she went to hide to consume her treat. A habit she would grow out of quickly. He stood up and Rae backed up anxiously and he saw Varric’s eyes narrow again. 

“That’s good, Kitten.” He praised her, but she flinched at the name and backed up again, staring wide eyed up at him. Damn. He needed to do better about not calling her that. A decade of habit… This wasn’t his Kitten. This was Rae, different. Hurting. Not his. 

He heard the door open behind him and Rae’s face paled in panic.

“Chuckles.” Varric said, his hand still on Bianca. 

Bull turned his back on them both to glare at the elf. Fen’Harel glared right back at him even as he greeted the dwarf politely. Then Rae was jumping between them (she really needed to stop doing that) and shoving the napkin of cookie pieces into the elf’s hands. “Thank you. For… last night.”

And then she slammed the door in his face and pressed her back to it as if her tiny frame was enough to stop him if he wanted past her. ‘Thank you for last night’. What had happened last night?

“He didn’t do anything, leave him alone.” She said shakily, even as she lifted her chin defiantly, because it didn't matter how tired, or scared, or hurting Rae was, she tried to protect. 

It hurt that she was swinging that iron thread in her in his direction. For the elf that had killed her. He realized he was snarling when her eyes flicked to his mouth and she swallowed.

“Cute.” 

She was. Always had been. Would be. Time magic. Crap. He turned away from her, ignoring the fact that Varric had Bianca aimed at him, and slipped two more cookies to his- to Meraad. He’d come back later. Right now… he needed to punch something. 

He ended up volunteering to help train the recruits and he worked out his rage on each one that came at him, pounding against their shields with his bare hands like he knew the red behemoths would while Curly- The commander yelled corrections. It helped a little. Useful. Painful. A sharp, demanding thing that kept him focused on remembering the way the behemoths would swing and then breathing through the spike of pain through his hands and shoulders. He let the few mages practice their healing spells on him afterwards. 

The bas found him after and gave him snide, backhanded compliments on his ‘savage’ style. Hissrad laughed and thanked him and offered to spar. Trevelyan declined. Pity. 

Information.

Rae left the elf’s cabin every morning with Meraad and went to the tavern, then carried a tray to the War Room. Rumor was, while the Herald was gone, she used to deliver it to the Ambassador’s office and would stay for half an hour before returning. Now it was in and out. She worked in the kitchens in the day with the soldier and kid. Lionel and Brea. She took supper to the Herald’s cabin every evening and half the time came out close to tears. Harrit liked her. Krem liked her. She wasn’t scared of Krem.

There were a dozen instances each day that she didn’t even register that had gained her good will. She held the door open for an elf messenger, she smiled politely at a scarred veteran, she slipped an extra roll onto a skinny person’s plate… She took in a kid and bought crutches for the soldier and gave the design away for a song. Everyone knew ‘The Cook’ was someone who’d help. He remembered when Solas had asked her once while traveling, what she would have done if she had not had the mark. She had only shrugged at the time and said she’d try to help regardless. 

Bull inserted himself into her kitchen every other day to play with Meraad and to slip her money and bring back treats for the boys. He even got her to make blooming onions. Once upon a time, he had fallen in love with them when he had dared Kitten to make him eat a whole onion in one sitting and like it. He had. He couldn’t help but grin at her in honest gratitude when she made it for him, and she had paled slightly but looked pleased. She still tensed whenever he ducked into the kitchen, but she was growing quicker to ignore him, which was progress. 

She wasn’t his Rae… but she was still ‘Rae’, still self sacrificing, kind, and protective. A little while longer and she might trust him enough to let him get her somewhere safe with the kids. She’d go to get them somewhere safe.

So of course Trevelyan had to ruin it.

“I’m taking the cook with us to Val Royeaux.” The rat said. “I have a feeling she’ll be useful. But I need you to help me keep her in line, she’s terribly trained.” 

Hissrad leaned back in his seat and leered. “I can do that.”

“Just as a threat.” Trevelyan rolled his eyes. “You can’t actually have her. I’ve been ‘informed’ I must bring her back in one piece.”

“Aw.” Probably the Ambassador. Woman had a weakness for good food.

Trevelyan smirked and left and Bull went and punched recruits’ shields until his hands were bloody and then gritted his teeth through the mages’ fumbling healing spells. Then he packed and gave the Chargers orders to go help the refugees in the Hinterlands while he was gone, because the rat sure wasn’t.

He saddled the smallest horse from Dennet for Rae, and his own special Qun bred horse for himself. He tried to ignore Varric’s wheedling and complaining and the dread it sent through him that the rat was only taking the oblivious Seek, the ‘brute qunari’, and the tiny, skittish cook. That… wasn’t good. 

Rae was wearing a red hat and a dream pendant when she arrived with her pack clutched in her hands. The elf was there with Meraad on his hip like she belonged there. His Meraad, in the arms of the man who had killed her mother. The elf bent to whisper in her ear when she froze in terror, and she nodded and let him pull her towards them. She didn’t want to be here. She never liked leaving her kitchen. 

Varric had finally determined that the rat wouldn’t let him come and greeted Rae. She still didn’t flinch when he called her Kitten. She mentioned cinnamon rolls and Bull made a delighted noise. Her cinnamon rolls were the best. She flinched at that. But he could see her look at him and then Meraad and start making a mental list of what she could buy for their- her kid with the money he’d give her. He was glad she was already starting to expect the coin. Cassandra got impatient and handed the reins to Rae, who just stared at them because she didn’t know how to ride a horse yet. 

The rat sneered at her. Hissrad did not punch him. 

“I don’t know how to ride a horse.” Rae stared at the horse with the same wide eyed look she reserved for him now. “Sir.” 

Bull grunted before the rat could yell at her and took the reins from her. Once upon a time he had ridden beside her with the reins to her horse in his hands until she learned to keep her seat. 

“Thank you, sir.” She said quietly, keeping her eyes down. She started to move but the elf caught her arm and pulled her into a hug that she returned without flinching or hesitating. Bull had to stand there and watch as the elf that had killed her hugged her with  _ his _ kid and… he kissed her temple and Bull ground his teeth together and promised himself that the moment that the world was safe he was turning that elf into the same pile of mincemeat he had made out of Rae. 

The Seek sighed as if it was the most romantic thing she had ever seen and it  _ hurt _ . 

Rae pulled away and kissed Meraad’s head and whispered a goodbye to the elf in his language and it wasn’t right. 

“Come on.”

Rae flinched at his tone but Trevelyan. Trevelyan was watching them all with the shrewd delight of a man seeing weaknesses: Rae cared for the kid, the elf ‘cared’ for Rae, and The Iron Bull was jealous of the elf. Wanted Rae. Crap. 

He picked up the woman who once upon a time had been his Kitten and the scream she tried to swallow cut and dug into the ragged shreds of his chest like a barbed arrow. He let it sit there to fester with the rest of the hurts he was collecting and adjusted her stirrups. By the time he was mounted and holding her reins, she was holding onto the pommel with white knuckles and her eyes were fixed on the horse’s mane. There was a tremor in her spine that he longed to soothe away, but the rat was watching, and his gut told him that if he was comforting, the bas would try to hurt him, and more importantly, her, with it. 

It was hard, riding next to her and reaching out to catch her when she started to fall, just like he had once upon a time. But this time, she whimpered and cringed each time he did, then whispered a tiny ‘thank you, sir’. And he had to pretend it didn’t cut at him, had to pretend that Trevelyan’s smirk every time she made a soft, distressed noise didn’t make him want to cut the bastard in two. The man was the worst type, the kind of man that Hissrad spent most of his life hunting down and dealing with. Cruel and selfish. The kind that ended up either put down or had their brains drugged to mush to make them safe for society under the Qun. 

The kind that delighted in other’s pain. Every slimy smirk from the man when Rae flinched or whimpered made Bull’s blood rage. Every time that Hissrad put on a leer for the rat’s benefit when she timidly walked away made him hate himself a little more. He would lay awake at night and listen to Rae’s tired answers to Cassandra’s questions about her supposed love life with that elf. He could hear the hedging and lies from a tent away, but the Seeker ate it up. Thought it was so ‘sweet’ that they were creating a little family in the middle of the chaos. It was enough to make him dig his blunted claws into his palms. 

He took care of her as much as he could. Set up her tent, made sure she ate, and kept her from falling over. Tried not to scare her too much while still walking the fine line to make Trevelyan think it wasn’t kindness. Tried to help and still ignore the dark circles under her eyes because she wasn’t getting enough sleep, cold and with a chatty Seeker prying into a lie he wasn’t quite sure why she was telling. 

The sight of Val Royeaux was a relief, because it meant this was almost half over, but it was also a bitter reminder of what was gone, because he saw Rae’s nauseous expression as they rode in, and then the wide eyed panic and little, aborted movement of her hand towards her hair. Once upon a time she had complained loudly they were all going to get lice and have to shave their heads and then get the plague and die. Now she just pressed her lips together and looked scared. 

He asked if she was okay, calling her ‘Kitten’ because Trevelyan was right there, and she flinched but said she was. As always, she was a terrible liar. 

He managed to convince the bas to let him take them to an inn he had stayed in before on the rare occasion he came out this way with the boys. Owner was good with non humans, a bit pricy, but the rat was paying so he didn’t care. It almost made him feel satisfied that he wasn’t using the room Trevelyan paid for him to use. He wasn’t comfortable staying behind the closed door and thick walls when Rae was so skittish. Bull set up a chair near the stairs and leaned back to fall into the light, half sleep that would let him function but still be able to be alert to the slightest scuffle of noise. He couldn’t keep it up long before he would need to sleep in earnest, but he could go maybe a week like this. 

No one moved in or out of Rae’s room, but she still looked exhausted when she came down, and her lip curled when the rat did his charming shtick to Cassandra. He could see her trying to think of how to warn the Seek without getting in trouble, and he wanted to tell her it wouldn’t do any good. Cassandra was stubborn enough to need it rubbed in her nose for her to believe it. But Rae seemed to realize that and just pulled her red hat over her hair and kept her eyes down.

Hissrad didn’t react when the bas grabbed her shoulder and started talking down to her. She was a hundred times more capable than his slimy, selfish ass. He called her ‘Kitten’, and she flinched and looked down. Bull added it to the mental list he apparently was keeping of all the things he was going to rip the rat apart for the second he wasn’t needed. He missed the way Rae would curl her fingers up like claws and bare her teeth and hiss when they used that nickname for her. Now she curled up and-

The rat clapped his shoulder in a mockery of friendship. “If I didn’t think you’d pull her into some alley the second the opportunity came up, I’d have you follow her and make sure she behaved.”

“I can do that.”

“No, The Iron Bull.” Trevelyan rolled his eyes. “I see the way you’re always watching her and I don’t think for a moment you’d have the restraint.” He laughed as if it was a thing to joke about. “Come on. Work to do.”

He stopped thinking about it. Ran through the motions of big, dumb, effective bodyguard. 

He didn’t react to the Envy demon posing as the Lord Seeker. He wasn’t supposed to know. Hopefully, it wouldn’t matter. The time magic in Redcliffe was more important. They needed the mages for the Breach. That was what had worked last time, and honestly… he would feel a lot more comfortable with the time rifts in Redcliffe dealt with. Time magic was a mess. Envy could and would be dealt with later. So he kept his mouth shut. 

He kept his mouth shut even as Trevelyan passed over the potential agent that Rae had found, kept his mouth shut when Trevelyan smarmed over the invitation to Viv’s salon, kept his mouth shut when the precious Herald of Andraste curled up his lip at Sera’s letter and scoffed. Though he did grab the letter when Trevelyan tossed it aside and put it in his pocket. Maybe he could find her later. 

Trevelyan made a few purchases in the market, and Bull was able to get away to a side stall. Once, after he had gone Tal Vashoth and Rae had admitted to somehow developing feelings for him after months of helping him acclimate, (“I don’t even know how it happened! You’re not my type at all! Like… at all! But here I am, with emotions at your stupid smile!”) he had come out here on assignment and- there. Still there on a back shelf. Dawnstone hairpins. It was frivolous, sentimental. But he was Bull right now. Sentiment was alright. He bought them and shoved them into his pocket with a silent curse at his own foolishness. What was he supposed to do with a set of hairpins for a dead woman?

He found a set of piping bags for Rae. He’d sneak them into the kitchen for her to find. That was practical. Sort of. (It wasn’t practical at all. But the Rae that was had loved making those pretty cakes, and the Rae that is now should have something nice in the mess that was her life.)

They had gone to see Viv, and when they walked in, she had come straight down the stairs and there had been a barely noticeable slump in her shoulders when she greeted Trevelyan. 

She looked at him closely and Bull tilted his head and said, “Ma’am.” 

Her eyes widened slightly behind that mask and he gave the briefest, faintest of nods. 

They both remembered. 

Trevelyan recruited her and she agreed to meet them at their inn in the morning. She also made a subtle hand motion at about her chest level, as if indicating someone’s height, Rae’s height, and The Iron Bull made another slight nod, and then curled up his lip slightly and glanced at Trevelyan.

Her lips pressed together and she flicked some imaginary lint off of her dress to excuse the motion of her hand. They would speak later. 

The bas led them back to the inn, and The Iron Bull frowned at the dimming light. Rae should have been back by now. Hissrad ate his dinner out of habit and answered the bas’ conversation out of habit and did not snarl at the rat’s fake sympathetic concerned comments to Cassandra about having let Rae off by herself and he hoped she hadn’t gotten in trouble. It was dark out. She still wasn’t back. 

“I’m gonna look for her, bas.” He stood and headed for the door. “I don’t want anyone else to grab her.”

The rat made another comment of false concern, and Hissrad opened the door and caught Rae when she ran right into him and then started to fall backwards. She was out of breath, her eyes wide and scared, as if she had run the entire way here. 

“I’m sorry!” She said and her voice shook. 

“Where were you?” He kept his voice even but she still flinched and stammered. 

“Kitten!” The Rat shouted and Rae flinched, her eyes squeezing shut as if bracing for a blow. The Iron Bull let her go and did not hit him. 

“She’s back, bas.” 

Rae’s eyes fluttered open and she gave him a slightly quizzical look before flinching again as Trevelyan’s hand landed on her shoulder and dug in. That would leave a mark. He wanted to rip his hand off of her, but he had a job. A role. He made himself stand still and watch as the man dragged her up to his room, dripping condescending false concern with every word.

If he went after her… he would be attacking the Inquisition. The Seek wouldn't let that lie. He'd be hunted down for attacking the Herald. If he went after her… he would be declared Tal Vashoth. Both could end up with Rae dead. Or worse. If he slipped up, got brought back in for reeducation… she might get brought in too. And she was a mage. He needed the Inquisition to keep her safe. He needed… he needed Viv and Red to put their heads together. 

He needed to play his role and bide his time. The bas came down in only a few minutes, without Rae. He smelled like drink and Bull had to grit his teeth. She would have hated that. 

"Let's go 'find the red things'." Trevelyan said in a slightly mocking tone and Bull was suddenly dreadfully certain why the rat thought she was valuable. Her 'gut feelings'. He wasn't going to let her go while he thought he could use it.

The meet went just like he remembered, until, well, Trevelyan actually met Sera. The rat's eyes flicked from her ears to her torn shirt with a sneer, and the moment she uttered the words 'Red Jenny' he made a slashing motion with his hand. "Shut up. We have no need to dally with  _ that _ ." And then he was stalking off with a furious expression. Bull gave Sera a disappointed glance but followed the bas. He liked her. Good shot. Good ear. He did scrawl a 'find the cook' on the back of the arrow note and dropped it. Maybe she'd be able to connect up with Rae.

Trevelyan was fuming the entire walk back to the inn and gave Cassandra a polite but terse goodnight before storming to his room. Hissrad leaned against the wall so he could keep an ear out for trouble. Bull was straining to hear Rae’s muffled yelp, the rat’s angry hissing, and he dug his blunted talons into his arm to keep from charging up the stairs. He couldn’t kill the guy with the mark. He couldn’t attack the Inquisition’s Herald… not without proof. Right now he’d just end up with the Spymaster’s assassins on his tail if he punched the rat out and made off with their cook. 

The unstable qunari mercenary kidnapping the girl he had tried to take before. He had to bide his time. He had to… He had to get her away from him.

“You remember.”

His nerves were already strained and the sudden soft voice right next to him had him swinging. He hit air. 

“It’s all wrong.” The Demon kid.

“Yeah. You remember?” He breathed slowly to slow his pulse down. He had never really gotten used to the kid the first go around, but… the kid had always loved Rae. Rae loved the kid. ‘Coleritto’. 

“Once upon a time.” The Demon frowned, and then tilted his head and moved to the stairs. “She needs us.” 

The Iron Bull considered stopping the kid. They really couldn’t kill the Herald and lose the mark but… maybe the kid could make him forget about Rae? He didn’t stop the kid. 

He came back barely a minute later and scowled. “She won’t let me kill him.”

Then it was gone. Hissrad leaned against the wall and waited and sure enough, there crept Rae. She froze at the bottom of the stairs and stared at him with wide, frightened eyes, and he didn’t move, didn’t react. Pretended he didn’t see her at all. She must have bought it, because she took a skittish, wary step and then froze again. Hissrad didn’t react even when he saw the red, rapidly darkening handprint on the side of her face. Just added it to the mental tally of everything the rat was going to pay for.

She picked her way across the floor and every frightened glance she gave to him hurt worse than the flail that had taken his eye. She slipped out the door and The Iron Bull waited a few heartbeats before exhaling shakily and gritting his teeth. She was hurting. And scared. And he had seen her die. And he couldn’t- He couldn’t protect her from Trevelyan. Not without the world going to shit and she’d never forgive him for that. No, the self sacrificing woman would demand that she could take whatever- as long as the world was saved. 

She would never forgive him if he killed the Herald.

She would never forgive him.

He had to wait. 

He was Hissrad for a little while longer. Hissrad would wait. 

The door opened an hour later and the demon kid came in, carrying Rae. She was sound asleep in his arms, her face lax and peaceful. The bruise was gone and she didn’t look frightened. Cole held her in front of him and let him study her face, free of fear for the first time since he had found her in the tavern. 

“She’s still ours.” The kid said quietly, “Young, scared, but ours. We will help her.”

Yeah. Yeah they would.

“Vivienne will know what to do.” Cole said, then moved so…

His hand came up before he realized he shouldn’t and he gently tucked a stray strand of her hair behind her ear. She didn’t even stir, sleeping soundly for the first time since they had started this void taken trip. 

“It’s okay to cry.” Cole said. 

“Not yet.” Too many eyes. Too many ears. If the Rat saw weakness… “Not yet.” 

“Not yet.” the demon echoed, and carried this Rae up the stairs to the Seeker’s room. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for thoughts of suicide, self harm

Hissrad dozed lightly in the chair at the foot of the stairs. The second the bas opened the door Hissrad was awake and moving to his feet. 

“Get ready to head back to Haven.” The bas said irritably.

“Sure thing, bas.” Hissrad grunted and went to get the horses ready. The demon was in the stable. Viv too. He ran a hand over his face and then grabbed a curry brush. “Well. That elf threw us into a mess.”

“Rae doesn’t have the mark.” Vivienne said.

“Nope. That ass has it. She’s the cook for the Inquisition now, but she… she still has her ‘gut feelings’ and Trevelyan is hurting her.” He kept his tone even. Clinical. “I tried getting her out, but he won’t let me, and if I take her anyway, I’ll have both the Qun and Red on my tail.” 

Vivienne hummed thoughtfully. “I can try to purchase her from him, but if she has let her intuition slip then it won’t matter the price. My position at this time is… tenuous. I doubt I’d be able to survive an assault on my reputation or holdings if I were to simply take her away. I need to speak with Leliana.” 

Bull felt a soothing wisp of relief that Viv really was immediately jumping into problem solving, helping. He wasn’t the plan guy. He was the watch and hit things guy. 

“He’s scared of her.” The Demon says. “He knows that she could take everything with what she knows.” 

“So he will try to either beat her into submission or destroy her.” Vivienne sighed.

“He hurts her. She’s terrified. Flinches, calls everyone sir or ma’am. Eyes down and quiet.” Hissrad listed.

“Damn.” The word sounded odd in Vivienne’s voice. “That was fast.”

Not really. Not if she never got help to deal with what happened before she showed up. Hissrad saddled Rae’s horse and then moved to brush down the bas’. 

“If he’s bothering to train her he really does see her as too valuable to damage permanently.” Vivienne mused. 

“He’s hit her a few times.” Hissrad said. “That I know of but… When I showed up, the elf was giving her witherstalk. She says it wasn’t the elf.”

“Oh dear.” Vivienne murmured. “Then…”

Hissrad suddenly realized why Rae had been playing along with Solas’ game, even after he was away from her. “The rumor at Haven is she’s the elf’s bed warmer. She has been encouraging it, pretending it’s true.”

Vivienne tsked. “Ah. A noble man of that type wouldn’t want to dirty himself by using the same woman as an elf. Especially one that appears half blooded and is a mage.”

That made sense. Too much sense. Damn. 

“He thinks The Iron Bull will hurt her if he asks.” the demon interjected. “Thinks about it. Plans. Won’t get his hands dirty but will get to listen to the tale after.” 

They all fell silent for a long, painful moment. Bull felt like puking. Hissrad followed that to its inevitable conclusion. “If I refuse, he’ll just find someone else.”

Vivienne inhaled slowly. “Well. It is a good thing we both are excellent liars.” 

Yeah… 

“But Rae can’t lie to save her life.” Hissrad pointed out. She could deflect, avoid, turn an answer on its head, but she couldn’t hide her expressions. 

“You’ll have to make her believe it.” Cole said softly. “A hurt to save a hurt.”

He wondered if the bleeding in his chest would ever scab over. “Yeah.”

“Bull…” Vivienne said softly. “If you do this… she may very well hate you forever.”

“Yeah.” A raw, wry laugh bubbled out of his throat. “I know.” But his wife was dead, laying in a hundred pieces in a future that never would happen now. Was his body there? Laying next to her pieces while his mind had been thrown back? He hoped it was. He’d do what he had to in order to protect this Rae. He’d already lost his.

The demon looked up as The Seeker and Rae appeared. Rae was scrambling after the Seeker’s long strides like a kitten in the wake of a war hound. Cole flitted to her and said something, and Rae’s eyes unfocused. He had made her forget. Vivienne moved to her own horse and Hissrad checked the Seeker’s horse. 

Rae was timid in her approach and he could see Vivienne took note of it by how her finger tapped on the saddle. It was the one tell she never quite got rid of. Tapping her staff, or the table. He gave her a glance to make her watch, then reached and took Rae’s pack. Rae flinched and covered her head, shrinking back in terror. Trevelyan smirked at the sight. Viv’s finger tapped sharply and Hissrad finished the demonstration. “Just tying your pack on, Kitten.” 

Rae flinched at the name but backed up and dropped her eyes. “I’m sorry. Thank you, sir.”

The rat set them off at a rapid pace, eager to be gone apparently, and Bull had to try and ignore the panicked, nervous way that Rae ran to keep up with him. She was turning something over in her head, her brow furrowed as she thought, her lip caught between her teeth even as she huffed out sharp breaths at the rapid pace. 

Hissrad noted The Grand Enchantress approaching and how the bas shoved her out of the way with barely a glance beyond her ears. That… was not good. He was about to say something when Rae yelled.

“Wait! That’s the leader of the free mages. You need to talk to her!”

That was the worst thing she could have done. The bas, wouldn’t let that lie. And just as he thought it, the man’s glare landed on Rae. “Is that so, Kitten?”

Bull wanted to curse. Hissrad was looking for a way to defuse the situation. 

She looked terrified but nodded and tried to convince him, and then tried to tell him what to do, and crap. He put his hand on the back of her neck and gave her the slightest of shakes to shut her up before Maxwell blew up. She swallowed and shrank down and Maxwell’s eyes flicked from her submissive posture to his hand with a calculating look. 

Vivienne spoke up, neatly stepping in and opening the path to meet with the mages. Rae let out a relieved breath as Vivienne spoke politely and enthusiastically with the Rebel leader, leaving the obvious impression she considered the woman an ally. Fiona, for her part, looked baffled but rolled with Vivienne’s abrupt change of tone. The bas took the bait though, and agreed to consider the invitation. He found himself stroking the back of Rae’s neck with his thumb. An absent habit from another life that… She was shaking and yet holding terribly still and he realized with a sick twist to his stomach that this Rae wouldn’t find it comforting. This Rae would take it as a threat.

The moment it was clear they were going to start moving again, he took his hand off of her neck and she flinched away like she wanted to run. The rat saw it, glanced from her to him and Hissrad made himself give her an obviously appreciative look as she kept her eyes on the ground. Groundwork. Something for the rat to latch onto. 

He wondered if the worms would die if they tried to eat the rat’s corpse. They did sometimes if the body was poisoned. He focused on the thought to keep his expression neutral and not sick or self loathing. He was Ben Hassrath right now. He could play his part. Viv was working her magic, winding the rat around to her view point and making him think it was his idea. 

This Rae stifled a scream when he picked her up to put her on her horse. And then she fixed her eyes on the saddle and clamped her mouth shut even as she trembled and her breath came fast and shallow. They moved on. Eventually Rae’s shaking eased out into uncomfortable winces as her body strained to adjust to horseback riding. He was foolish enough to hope that maybe the rat had been soothed over by Vivienne, that nothing would happen. Idiot. He knew better.

The bas came back and took the reins from him and Hissrad silently obeyed as the big, dumb, bodyguard he was supposed to be. Rae looked terrified as he left her with the bas. 

She would hate him when she found out what he was doing.

“Nothing too terrible in front of the princess.” Viviene murmured. And he held onto that. The rat was trying to worm himself into the Seek’s good graces, he couldn’t do anything that would come back on him.

Rae looked worse when the rat rode up with a satisfied expression and told him to go back and get her. She was greyed out, sick and shaking. Her hair was messed as if it had been grabbed and she was crying. He had to bite back a furious growl when he realized the bas had cast a smite on her. Of course he’d find a way to hurt her that wouldn’t leave a mark. She flinched and he made himself not look at her. He would only make it worse. She was trying so hard not to cry even as she shook and whimpered under her breath, her eyes clenched shut and her fingers tight on the saddle horn. Bull hadn’t felt this helpless in a long time. 

When they finally stopped for camp she didn’t move, just clung to the saddle horn with white knuckles, she probably would have stayed that way until camp was set up if he hadn’t had to be Hissrad. When his hands went around her waist the quiet sob that burst from her almost broke him and Bull slipped past the line to wipe the tear on her cheek gently. She cringed backwards from the touch. 

“Easy there, Kitten.” She flinched at the name and he hated himself a little more. She needed something to do and he offered her the chance to cook. She latched onto it with a relieved nod, But the ‘yes sir’ that accompanied it just sounded wrong. Words echoed from a shell. He gave her direction and the faintest flicker of hope passed across her face before it was chased by a shudder and a quiet ‘yes, sir’. He was beginning to hate that pair of words, especially with the way she ducked her head and tucked her shoulders in, making herself smaller. She looked sick and swiped at her eyes when the rat and the Seek both laughed. 

He crouched down beside her and took the knife when her shaking got so bad she almost hurt herself. She flinched and squeaked and he tucked it away across the line into the list of things he hated. The other Rae had explained the concept of a ‘sin’ to him and this felt like one. Rae kept her head down and her mouth clamped shut as she cooked. The kid whispered something to her and she moved and brought back her bag of spices and began seasoning, just how he remembered the other Rae doing it. He saw the kid move behind her again and a little frown formed on her forehead as she stirred in the spices that meant he was keeping her from remembering he was there. She would hate them for it when she found out. 

The rat was smirking at the way she shrank when he moved too close to her, smiled when she just stared at her plate and didn’t eat. 

She would hate them, but he could handle it. It would be easier to bear her hate than whatever that bas had planned for her. 

She didn’t eat. She washed the dishes. She stared at the fire blankly like the old soldiers did when their minds were outside their heads. 

Night came too soon. 

Vivienne went to her tent and Hissrad sprawled by the fire and started sharpening his ax. The bas stood and gave Rae a meaningful glance and she closed her eyes and pressed her hand over her stomach before standing and walking deliberately… to his tent and crawling inside.

Crap. 

The Seek spoke up and the bas implied Rae was a whore and Hissrad made himself raise a questioning eyebrow at the bas, even as Bull wanted to bury his axe in the bas’ skull.

“Try not to break her, big guy. The Ambassador would never forgive me.” 

A growl slipped out and Hissrad turned it into a pleased expression at the last moment even as it clawed and scraped and begged to be let out with violence. He put up his ax and went to his tent and eased in carefully. Rae was kneeling in the center of his tent with her hands pressed tightly enough over her mouth to leave bruises, her eyes closed and tears slipping out below her lashes. It took too long for him to claw back his control, be Hissrad. Hissrad needed more information. 

“Why are you in here?”

She shuddered and a tear slipped down her cheek even as she forced her hands away from her mouth to answer. She was here to be punished, just like Cole had said she would be. He started to take his leg brace off and her eyes flew open and she shrank back and- damn, he had forgotten that this Rae would still be terrified of the sound of buckles being undone. He refused to look at her while she realized he wasn’t readying a belt. 

Hissrad asked why she was in here and she stammered out a weak, small answer that told him too much. The rat had been threatening her with  _ him _ and apparently the outburst in the city had been too much. 

“If I’m not worth protecting he’ll give me to you.” The words cut and burned and Hissrad counted the heartbeats in his breath as she sobbed. The rat had the mark. The rat had the mark. Can’t kill the rat with the mark. 

He asked another question, half to stall, half to figure out just how to do just enough to make it believable without actually doing anything. This… was going to hurt. A lot. She was going to hate him, and she would be right to. 

Hissrad rubbed his knee, “Of course the one night it hurts too much to do anything fun.” A lie to make her believe he would rape her. A lie that tasted like bile and ash, quiet enough for her ears only.

The rat would be listening, so he moved quickly enough to make her scream when he grabbed her arm, just hard enough to bruise and pulled her to him. A command loud enough for the rat. Don’t look at her face. Sound. Don’t listen. Don’t look at her face. Fabric shuffling, a grunt. Don’t look at her face. A sob. A handprint on her hip. Don’t look at her face. A groan. A satisfied bite of praise.

Don’t look at her face.

Don’t be sick. 

“Sleep.” 

He could feel her heart racing as he held her to keep her from slipping out of the tent the moment she thought he was asleep. She was trembling, choking back sobs. She wasn’t going to get any sleep like this, and sleep was better than laying in terror. When the death and horrors she faced got too much and she couldn’t sleep, the other Rae had liked his ‘purr’, liked cats. She said it helped calm her.

He ‘purred’ for her and wondered if he could ever forgive himself.

Her heart slowed and her sobs quieted and then she went limp. Asleep. 

The rat didn’t do all of the ‘quests’ that the other Rae had. How long would it be before the Elder one was dead and he could cut the bas in half?

Hissrad fell back on his long distant training. Blank mind. Half doze. Don’t think. Struggle is an illusion. The words felt wrong after so many years, but it was all he had right now. 

He didn’t sleep. He was awake when he heard the first stirrings of the Seeker and the rat. He moved his leg over hers, adding just enough pressure to cause it to go to sleep and give her a slight limp. He felt sick again. 

She didn’t wake up right away so when she started to stir he had to cover her mouth to keep her from screaming, the muffled sound was just enough for the rat to hear, and she immediately tried to push him away. It took all of his resolve to keep himself from yielding, letting her go like he should, like he wanted to. He wanted her out of here, away from him. Away from all of this. Instead he used the name that made her flinch and she nodded in wide-eyed, terrified obedience. He sat up and she laid rigidly still, waiting-

“Up.”

She scrambled to sit up with a relieved flicker of expression that was drowned in another shudder as he pulled her to sit between his legs. The bas would need proof. Something to see. Something that wouldn’t… he wouldn't put it past the rat to make her undress to show the other careful bruises but maybe something visible would avoid that. He… could make her cry. A bruise and some tears and maybe the bas would be satisfied. 

Maybe this Rae would put a blade through his chest once this was done.

He’d let her. 

He had to press his forehead against the back of her head to drum up his resolve. A mark, a visible mark. 

She wouldn’t kill him. Not even if he asked.

She was shaking and he guessed it would be too merciful if she killed him. 

He’d have to live with himself.

A bruise, just sharp enough to make her cry out.

He let out a disgusted growl and she flinched away from. 

It was selfish. Stupid. But he pressed an apologetic kiss to the forming bruise and mentally ran through a prayer of mercy. One of the elvhen ones he had learned. ‘Grant me a swift and merciful death, my ruler’. 

Foolish. 

She flinched and trembled and her hair fell, covering it. No, the rat needed to see it, otherwise it was a pointless sin.

What was another?

He took the pins he had bought for a dead woman’s memory, a comb, slowly, gently brushing out the tangles… his Rae used to love it when he did this for her… but this it felt like yet another violation as he braided and pinned up his victim’s hair with them. Maybe the kid would kill him when this was done. 

Another selfish apology, a penitent’s kiss to his crime and then he moved away to start pulling on his leg brace. Don’t look at her. She was still and pale and her eyes flicked to the tent opening longingly. She inhaled and stuttered out a request to leave, asked if he was done using her. He let her go with an order to keep her hair up and forced himself to look at her sickened expression as she guessed that he was ‘staking a claim’. She fled.

“You had to.” The kid said quietly, sitting on the space Rae had slept. “I wouldn’t kill you. She wouldn’t let me.”

Hissrad had to shove Bull back across the fragile line between them to keep from weeping because he would have to live with this. He knew how the kid’s powers worked. This was too deep and jagged, tangled between lives and timelines. He wouldn’t get to forget. 

He heard the Seek accuse Rae of being unfaithful to the elf and it burned. Rae said nothing, nothing to defend, nothing to accuse. She just bore it. The bas had something over her. Some threat that she considered worse than… this. Not to herself, she wouldn’t worry or bend to a threat to herself… she was protecting, always protecting someone else.

She looked sick when he came out of the tent, pale and her eyes glassy and dilated as she sweated as if she had a fever. She cooked as if moving through a dream. Her flinches were slower, muted, and she stilled and stared vacantly off when he would brush his fingers over her shoulder to make the bas think he would ‘want another go’, because if the rat had forced her to go to him, he wouldn’t hesitate to make her go to someone else. She packed up with sluggish, methodical movements and his stomach felt sick as he noted how similar it was to those who had been given the qimek in Par Vollen. 

He caught Vivienne’s eye and then glanced at Rae, giving a slight tap of his fingers to betray concern. She pressed her lips together and swept off with Rae to check on her. 

The Seek was glaring daggers at him, and the rat picked up on her disapproval and didn’t ask the disgusting questions Hissrad could see lurking behind his eyes. Hissrad packed up the camp. Saddled Rae’s horse, and hid his relief when Vivienne came back with Rae and she looked… he wouldn’t say better but she looked less vacant and smelled clean. The bruises on her neck and face were still there but she moved with more ease. Vivienne had healed her. 

Vivienne had healed her, helped her feel a little more comfortable in her skin, and then gave the rat more proof that Hissrad had done what he wanted. 

Hissrad’s control lasted until Rae burst into tears in the kid’s arms, sobbing brokenly and he swung, only altering the angle at the last fucking moment to smash his fist against a tree instead of the rat’s face. It hurt. It should.

He swung again and again and again until he felt the bones in his hands snap under the impact. It hurt.

Good.

“I know your kind tends to be a bit savage but was that really necessary?” the rat laughed. 

“Sometimes, bas. Just gotta let the aggression out, you know.” The Iron Bull snarled. Realized he was baring his teeth at the bas, was thinking about ripping his throat out with his broken hands. 

Vivienne stepped in before he could give in to the impulse, scolding and cold, tone even as she healed his hands, a warning glance. He had his role. His purpose was to be the brute that the rat relied on, to protect this Rae. His purpose was to protect through pain.

He put Rae on her horse and was selfish yet again. He had no right, but he touched the bruise he had left on her and whispered a plea for forgiveness as she shivered in terror under his touch.

He was Hissrad, and he had his role.


	6. Chapter 6

Vivienne kept Rae in her tent at night, keeping her from the Rat as much as she could and the Seek’s misguided anger. But it unfortunately did not keep the Rat from making her swallow down poison when he thought no one could see. Hissrad had to keep up the image of being interested, but Bull’s stomach twisted every time he had to touch her, and see her pale further at every caress for the rat’s benefit.

She was pale. She wasn’t sleeping. She was sick from poison and didn’t eat. She was losing weight. His fault. He could hear her crying at night but during the day she was pale and blank faced, distant and unseeing unless he touched her, and then she would curl into herself.

It hurt, an aching sort of anger, when a flicker of expression crossed her face at the sight of the elf that had killed his Rae. She was relieved to see him. Varric was there, and the elf had Meraad and Bull wanted to growl and scream and take his kid away from him. Instead he stopped the horses and lifted this Rae down with an order to go on, to get away from him, out of his reach. 

She made a tiny whimpering sound in the back of her throat and stumbled away in a run, frantically racing away from him and to the Dread Wolf, tackling the elf in a desperate, shaking hug. The elf met his eyes over her head as he held her, his eyes sharp and questioning.

Bull wondered if he’d be able to let the elf kill him. Varric looked murderous. Maybe he’d do it. The rat was watching, so he followed her, noting the way Varric’s fingers twitched towards Bianca. Meraad… Sweet little Meraad shrieked and wiggled out of the elf’s arms and Bull found a smile for her and greeted her, tossing her in the air and hugging her because she… she was Meraad, no matter which Meraad she was, she was still his kid-

Except Rae whirled, her lips practically blue with how pale she was, and wrenched Meraad out of his arms and took off, stumbling and clumsy with fear as she clutched the kid and fled.

From him. 

Trying to protect his kid… from him.

She… had every right to but it burned, cut and clawed and… what if she didn’t let him see Meraad again? He was being selfish. He shouldn’t even be worried about himself after what he had done to her.

He shouldn’t be thinking of himself at all. The elf and Varric glared at him before turning to hurry after her and Bull made himself go back to the horses and put them up. The Seeker had gone after the elf and Bull wanted to stop her, she would only distress Rae, but the bas was watching him closely so he put up the saddles and hung up the bridles as if he didn’t care what the others did to Rae. He noted when the bas left and forced himself to keep putting up the tack. The elf would probably be back to yell at him

He was brushing the sweat out of the pony’s coat when Solas came storming back, his magic crackling between his fingers and his expression furious. Bull could respect that. 

“What did you do?” the elf snarled.

“What I had to.” Bull said hollowly as he put up the brush and moved away from the horse. 

He was hit with a blast of the elf's magic, slamming his back into the post of the stable, making the whole thing shudder. It was enough to knock the breath from him, to make his heart start racing and his fingers twitch towards his ax, but he just let his hands fall to his side. Cole wouldn’t kill him. Rae wouldn’t. As much as he hated letting the Dread Wolf do it… But first, he needed to make sure Rae was safe.

“He has something over her.” He said, forcing his breath through his vocal chords. The elf was readying another blast of magic and he spoke quickly before it would hit. “He has something he’s threatening her with that is worse than me.” 

The magic didn’t hit and he opened his eye (why had he closed it?) to see Solas giving him a narrow eyed look. “What happened?” The elf bit out.

“She pissed the bas off. He sent her to me for…” He felt his lip curl up in a snarl and looked away. “For punishment.” 

The magic hit and he nearly doubled over as lightning crackled through him, making his muscles jump and seize. It wasn’t as powerful as the elf would be in a decade but it still hurt, still made him have to control his breathing. He deserved this. The pain was earned. 

He readied himself for another blast, heard the magic and felt the buzz in the air but it didn’t land, never touched him. A shimmering barrier stood between him and the elf. 

“My dear Solas, it hasn’t been near long enough since we last spoke.” Vivienne said coldly. “Not near long enough.” 

The elf paused and straightened his spine, though magic still crackled through his fingers. “Madame de Fer.”

“Well, if we are going for titles, do you prefer to be called Fen’Harel or the Dread Wolf?” She said as she moved between him and the elf. “Do be a dear and put away your staffless magic before the templars come running? I’ve put up a privacy ward but you know how nosy they tend to be when magic is involved.”

The elf practically hissed between his teeth but the magic died from his hands. His glare was still cold and deadly as he hissed. “I told her she had nothing to fear from you! I trusted you to keep her safe!” He accused. “You loved her!”

“Oh, that is rich darling,” Vivienne scoffed. “Even coming from you. The Rae we all knew and loved was shredded apart because of you and your wounded ego.”

The elf shook his head. “That’s not-“

“My wife is dead because of  _ you _ .” Bull nearly shouted back, the pain and rage cutting and clawing up from the hollow of his chest and spilling out from between his teeth with the taste of copper and guilt. “My wife is  _ dead _ and this Rae is…” He stopped. Clenched his teeth.

“He kept her as safe as circumstances allowed.” Vivienne interected. “And unfortunately, the spymaster was almost viciously against even the subtlest hint of me purchasing Rae.” 

“Damn.” The word felt trite, nowhere near harsh enough to encompass the feeling of helplessness strangling him.

The elf’s eyes darted between them. “What happened?”

“Thanks to your apparent relationship with Rae, the most esteemed Herald of Andraste will not sully himself with a knife ear’s whore.” Vivienne said bluntly. “But he is apparently not against having others do his dirty work for him. Fortunately for Rae, the three of us are excellent liars.” 

“She’s  _ sick _ .” The elf spat. “That is no lie.” 

“The rat gave her magebane whenever the Seeker wasn’t looking.” Vivienne said with an unusual amount of venom. “I’ve done what I could to mitigate the effects but it is a poison.” She sighed and for a brief instant looked exhausted. “Rae is, as ever, a terrible liar, Solas. Bull made her, and the rat, believe he would hurt her so… intimately so that he would not pass her off to one who would actually harm her so.” 

“Pala!” The elfs anger turned on a bush nearby that was suddenly set ablaze. He sighed and rubbed his eyes before waving his hand and putting out the fire. “This was not- I had hoped this trip would help her trust you.” He whispered quietly.

Bull laughed and half wished the sound would cut his throat just as sharply as it cut his heart. “That’ll never happen now. I’m-”

“You’re not evil. You’re not going mad. A hurt to help prevent a hurt. You are helping.” the demon kid said frantically as soon as he appeared next to the elf. “You are doing what you have to! Solas lies so he won’t touch her and you lie so another won’t touch her. A painful lie that she needs to believe.”

There was a long silence after the kid flayed his mind open for the others to see, and then Vivienne spoke in the jarringly gentle tone she had learned from his Rae. “The question now is, what do we do? My position is too tenuous to simply whisk her away, Bull’s position is too precarious to simply whisk her away-”

The elf opened his mouth and Vivienne cut him off with a sharply raised hand. “And even if we  _ would _ let you off alone with her, you must stay near the mark.”

The elf closed his eyes and nodded sharply. “If we cannot move her then we can run interference.” He said quietly. “Make it so she is never alone with him for any length of time.”

It was a shit plan, but it… was something. “She has to go in to bring him his supper every evening. She comes out crying more often than not.” Hissrad said emotionlessly. He was good at lying to himself. 

Vivienne hummed and crossed her arms in that thoughtful way she had. “We need more people. With just the three of us a pattern could be easily picked out. The rat is not a fool, though he is too sure of himself.” 

“There will be a pattern, but it perhaps would show him that he cannot touch her without attention.” Solas straightened his shoulders and clasped his hands behind his back in that way of his that nearly gave him away before. 

“We should tell the dwarf.” Hissrad said. “He likes her.” Shit, he was probably going to shoot him on sight. Good. 

Vivienne smiled at that. “Varric is a loyal friend and will immediately jump to her protection. Good.”

“I’ll get him.” The kid poofed away. 

After a long moment, Vivienne sighed and flicked her fingers at Solas. “Slouch your shoulders. You look too sure of yourself.” 

The elf gave her an irritated look, but slouched his shoulders slightly. “I do know how to present an image.”

“Perhaps, but you are too proud for it to last.” She said as if it was a scathing insult. “I do not think the rat will be as accommodating of your ego as Kitten was.”

Hissrad guessed between three liars, it was an insult. 

A flash of movement had him turning his head towards the gates, and then there was the familiar crack of Bianca firing and white hot pain through his bad leg. He should have aimed a little higher. 

“You-” The dwarf started, but Vivienne threw up a barrier over Hissrad and spoke sharply.

“Please do not kill our best cover.”

“I’m bleeding.” Bull remarked helpfully. That hurt like a bitch. He slowly sat down on the ground and then instinctively bared his teeth at Solas when the elf moved towards him. Shit, he hadn’t done that in years. 

“I am going to heal it.” Solas said in exasperation. And yanked out the bolt. No bone, clean extraction. Varric must have had Bianca setting on low impact.

Hissrad grit his teeth and didn’t react when the elf's magic ran through his leg. Bull was screaming internally, magic wasn’t supposed to feel cold. It was supposed to be warm soothing, like- not like that. Kitten’s healing spells were warm. The elf’s were cold. 

Solas finally stepped back. “There. No thanks needed.”

“Not gonna say it anyway.” Bull gritted and shifted to his feet. 

Varric was still pointing Bianca at him. “Explain. Fast.” 

“The Herald is hurting Rae. She apparently upset him and he decided to punish her with Bull.” Solas said, biting each word off sharply. “Bull played a part and made both the rat and Rae believe he had done as the Herald wished.” 

“Shit.” Varric cursed then turned and fired a bolt into a training dummy across the field. He cursed again then sighed. “I knew something was wrong. Someone like her- Things didn’t add up. Shit. I should have gotten her out of here.” 

“Can you?” Bull asked hopefully. “I can distract-”

“No. I can’t.” the dwarf snapped, Bianca swinging back to aim at him. “And you-”

“If he does not pretend, then the rat will give her to someone who will actually rape her.” Vivienne said bluntly. “It seems we are all at an impasse at the moment. I am working on trying to procure her and take her to my estate, but until then, we need your help. The rat has her come in every evening to bring his supper and we are going to take turns interrupting him.” 

Varric growled in frustration. “‘Rat’ couldn’t have named him better myself.” He sighed then nodded, shouldering Bianca. “Yeah. I can do that. She’s distressed when she comes back from his place.” He ran a hand over his face. “Is this the best plan you all could come up with?”

“None of us can simply disappear with her, we cannot kill the man with the mark, so, yes, this is the best we could come up with.” The elf snapped. “And none of the council will listen to our word against their precious Herald.”

“Ego.” Vivienne said overly sweetly.

The elf glared at her and deliberately hunched his shoulders. 

Varric cursed again. “Men like that need something to control, Sunshine fits the bill.” 

‘Sunshine.’ Not ‘Kitten’ Bull’s mind latched onto it desperately. Something different. Something to separate them. They may look alike and sometimes sound alike, but this Rae was not his Rae and the new name helped him fix that difference more firmly.

“Sunshine?” The elf cocked his head in confusion, “but you have-“

“Yeah, that was before ‘Rat’ twisted it into something demeaning.” Varric growled angrily. “Kid explained it… sorta.”

Vivienne made a disgusted sound. “He’s trying to make a ‘pet’ of her.”

There was an awkward sort of pause before Bull spoke. “You, uh, want to shoot me again? Your feeling’s stick is sharper than Krem’s”

“Bull-” Vivienne used that achingly gentle tone.

“Don’t.” He cut her off. He would cry if she was gentle with him and that wasn’t his part. “Just. Don’t. I’ve got my part. Just.” He growled in his chest. “I’m going to check on my boys.” 

He’d have to explain what was going on to the boys. He would have to tell them what he did. 

Maybe Krem would kill him.

He wouldn’t. 


	7. Chapter 7

Rae had panicked in the war room. Varric had gotten her out when he heard shouting. The spymaster had arrested Brea on Maxwell’s order, and then had released her on Rae’s. (That didn’t sound quite right. Bull wondered what Rae had given her to make that happen. She started meeting with the spymaster in the mornings.) Rae cut her hair and it made his already ragged chest ache. She loved her hair, and he had put his fingers in it and made it something she feared. The bas was furious she had cut her hair, ranted about her ‘overstepping’ and being ‘willful’. Hissrad listened and didn’t kill him. They all found excuse after excuse to step into the bas’ cabin when Rae was there.

It made Bull’s stomach turn but he would run a finger over the back of Rae’s neck when she passed, ignoring the way she tensed and shivered and pretending he just couldn’t help it when the bas scolded him. Despite…  _ that _ , Rae sent cinnamon rolls to the boys, enough for everyone including him. He didn't eat it, let Krem have it. The boy had earned it.

He hadn’t.

Krem hadn’t killed him, but there had been a lot of yelling and a broken spear over Bull’s head. Dalish had ‘shot’ him. And then they had made him sit down and tell them everything. There had been a lot of swearing. A few more punches thrown. And then Krem made them all come up with a plan for the next time, because there would be a next time, the bas sent Rae to Bull. They planned for how to make it look horrible and not actually… be as horrible for Rae. Bull didn’t deserve his Chargers. It was a little humbling that even with what he had admitted to doing, they still followed him. Still believed him even when he admitted to time magic. (Him waking up one day and taking off like a druffalo from a wildfire towards the breach and then acting weird since then apparently was proof enough for them.)

They started hanging out, one at a time, at the tavern, keeping an eye on Rae, heading off trouble makers wanting to ‘hire’ her. Bull ended up breaking someone’s hand, reaching out and crushing it before he thought better as they reached for Rae’s butt. He had a split second of worry that he had blown his cover before he saw Rae’s face. Horror and fear. She thought he was being possessive. It turned his stomach but he could use that.

If he was seen as being possessive, he could work around the Bas’ perception of him as a brute. He could ease himself back into the kitchens, slip Rae money and make sure nobody came in after her. The bas was getting irritated with the interruptions. Hissrad played dumb and it worked, but he wouldn’t put it past the Rat to try and force his way into the kitchen to ‘bring Kitten to heel’. So he moved into her safe space, and the second he was out of the bas’ eyes, he made himself smaller, hunched his shoulders, kept his eye down, hands close to his body. Movements slow and subdued and voice quiet. Meraad was never in there.

It hurt. But it was her right to protect her kid from a threat. And he was a threat. That was his part. To be the worst threat the bas could think of.

So he moved slow and didn’t ask where Meraad was and never called her Kitten in the kitchen. She started letting him help and he gave her cautious smiles, unable to resist the expression. Outside her kitchen he was The Iron Bull, a monster, inside her kitchen he was Bull, there to protect and do absolutely anything she asked of him.

The cat she had somehow acquired gave him looks that seemed awfully judgy for an animal that spent it’s days killing animals and sleeping. 

“Look, I’m trying my best.” He muttered at it.

The cat blinked slowly and then moved over and put its paws on his knee and rested her head on his leg. It almost felt apologetic. Cats were weird. Soft and nice, but weird.

Rae named the cat Sage.

Varric told him what the bas had over Rae. He had threatened Meraad. Bull had bared his teeth and punched the wall hard enough to bloody his knuckles and crack the wood. His  _ kid _ . 

No. 

Not this time. Not his kid. Her kid. Rae’s kid. Sunshine’s Meraad. He couldn’t let the bas threaten her. Threaten any kid. He couldn’t. He spoke with Vivienne, planned. Then he asked Krem to help him, spoke to the demon kid, and they invited the bas out to the tavern for drinks while Vivienne distracted Rae long enough for him to get the kid and get his point across. Cole brought Meraad out and set her on his lap and Hissrad was as careful and as gentle as ever with her as he listened to the rat’s bullshit, pretended not to notice the disdainful looks the slime was giving to Meraad’s ears.

The bas finally seemed unable to contain his poison any longer when Bull gave Meraad a bit of candied apple to chew on. “What are you even doing with it?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hissrad frowned at him, feigning confusion but with just enough of a hard edge that the bas backtracked, still a little wary of the ‘brute oxman’. 

“Don’t get your hackles up. It’s just surprising you’re so gentle with it, that’s all.” the bas laughed.

Bull could see Rae watching from the door, her hand over her heart in terror for her kid. He pitched his voice loud enough for her to hear him and Krem let the bas know in no uncertain terms that they would destroy anything that hurt a kid without hesitation. The rat took the hint, his shoulders tense as he subtly leaned away from Meraad. Message sent. 

Message sent, and Rae seemed a little less tense around him, even let Meraad come back into the kitchen when he was there. He stayed as small and quiet as he could be while her kid played with him.

It wasn’t long after that the spymaster ‘requested his presence’. Red was just as cold as before when he sat down in the slightly too small chair in her tent, only this time she had that stance… the one she got after several months of working with his Kitten. She was being protective and it was a relief to know that she was protective over Sunshine. 

“Who do you work for?” She asked calmly, her eyes calculating.

Ah. Trick question there. If he said the Qun, that was a lie. If he said the Herald, he didn’t, his contract said ‘Inquisition’. But he didn’t care about his contract. He wasn’t here for the Inquisition. Red should have the truth. “Sunshine.” He said levelly. 

She gave him a calculating look and he could see her fitting pieces together in her mind. Finally, she tilted her head. “Thank you for your honesty. You are dismissed.” 

“Ma’am.” He nodded and left. 

He passed on the incident when he met with the others that night. 

“It is a bit of a risk to state your loyalties so clearly, especially when your motives are… suspect at best.” Vivienne commented, but it was thoughtful rather than scolding. 

“She’ll put it together.” He shrugged. Red was smart. 

“I’m surprised Sunshine hasn’t put it together.” Varric said, rubbing his hand over his face. “She’s having me help her with her contacts, girl is… brilliant. She could run this whole damn thing with her hands tied behind her back and that piece of shit is-” He sighed.

“I’ve been making her forget.” Cole said, his hands fidgeting. “She keeps figuring it out and I make her forget.” 

The elf gave the demon kid a pitying look. 

“Well, shit.” He sighed then shook his head. “We should figure out how to give her a rank. A title or something that makes it so he can’t touch her.” Varric suggested after a long pause.

“Inquisitor.” Vivienne sat up in interest. “The Herald is not Inquisitor.” 

Varric’s eyes widened. “That- that would work but, shit, how would we even make that happen? She’s a cook.”

“She already has good connections and a good head.” Bull said. And the other Rae had made a damn fine Inquisitor. “Red likes her.”

“The breach.” Solas said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, the wheels of thought already turning in his head. “It would only take a few words… perhaps a bit of support from the council, but we can make it seem as if it was her plan.”

“They Spymaster uses her already for information and advice.” Vivienne added. “It would not be a stretch… She would need connections.” 

“You, me…” Bull racked his memory. “The Blades?”

“That gives her some forces, she has contact with the Jenny’s…” Solas mused aloud. “I could probably gain her a few allies among the mages.”

“We’d need to take her out on missions, let her make the calls.” Bull said, hating that he was agreeing with the elf.

“And how would we make that happen? He keeps a tight leash on her.” Varric murmured thoughtfully.

“After the Breach is closed.” Cole said. “She will be brave after. They will see.” 

“Bas is gearing up for something bad.” Bull said, rubbing his eye in stress. “He’s mad, mad I threatened him over the kid, mad she cut her hair, mad we’ve been interfering, mad that Red likes her… mad that the council has stopped listening to him so much. He’s gonna explode on her, take it out on her. It won’t be pretty. It’s going to get worse the more we try to help her.” 

“You’ll have to make him think you are the worse option for her.” Vivienne said quietly. “It will be a fine line between keeping her safe and not making the council think we are trying to destroy their Herald.”

Bull growled, frustrated, aching, then shook his head. “I’ll figure something out.” 

They had to. 

The next day, He went to the tavern as usual, picking Meraad up from Flissa and letting her swing from his arms as he moved to the kitchen. Rae was there, muttering cutesy threats under her breath as she struggled to whip some frosting. He gave her a careful smile. “You, uh, need help, Rae?”

She shook her head quickly… then hesitated, looking from the bowl and back to him, then to the chair he normally sat in before apparently deciding if he was going to be in here anyway he could be useful. She nodded and cautiously held the bowl out towards him. “It… needs stirred till it’s smooth.”

It was a bit more complicated than that, but he probably wasn’t supposed to know that yet, so he just carefully took the bowl so that he wasn’t moving too fast or accidentally touched her and went to sit at his normal seat and started the whipping motion that would smooth it out and make it… some cooking phrase that meant it was good for piping. She must have found the piping bags he had left out for her.

She thanked him, giving him an odd look, then watched him with a furrow between her brows as he whipped the frosting for her and let Meraad have some tastes. Rae seemed to come to some conclusion. “Are you-?”

Cole appeared and touched her head. “Not yet. You are cooking.” 

He disappeared and she blinked, then shook her head and moved to check on her cakes, then began washing dishes. She had figured it out. And then it was gone.

Bull screamed in frustration in his head. Hissrad continued whisking the frosting. He let Meraad take another taste before quietly getting Rae’s attention. She looked nervous, as she always did now, when she took the bowl, and seemed relieved when he moved his hands so they didn’t accidentally touch. She tested the consistency and then thanked him, cautious but earnest. 

She smiled.

At him.

He smiled back, forgetting in his brief indulgence of her approval to hide his teeth. Her eyes widened and the brief peaceful interaction was over. 

She went back to her work and he ordered some sandwiches for the Chargers, setting down twice as much coin as she had asked for. She had looked at the coin and had opened her mouth as if to argue with him, but then had glanced at Meraad and shut it. Good. She knew why he paid so much. He half expected Cole to show back up, but he didn’t. Apparently it was ‘safe’ for her to know he would take care of the kid. 

It was… a mixed bag of a day. It  _ ached _ that they were making her forget every time she figured out he wasn’t a monster. And yet, even with her forgetting, she was beginning to trust him with Meraad. That… he could hold onto that. 

He ate with the Chargers, kept them updated on the situation with Rae and the Rat and all, then headed back to the tavern to ask for the recipe for Rocky. He passed Lionel and Brea standing uncomfortably with Flissa in the front and moved towards the kitchen a bit faster, worried something might have happened. Lionel reached out as if to stop him, but pulled his hand back quickly and let him be. Bull came to an abrupt halt in the doorway as he realized what…

The elf. The Dread fucking Wolf was sobbing in Rae’s arms, elvhen apologies spilling from his lying mouth as she held him and comforted him. Meraad in between them, also hugging him. The elf that had murdered his Rae. There was a cake on the floor beside them. She had made him a cake. 

Just like the last time… like Kitten had done on several occasions. Small acts of care, and the elf had still betrayed them... her. Bull wanted to rip the elf off of her, kill him before he could betray this Rae as well. Hissrad noticed that Rae was looking up at him in terror, her arm moving protectively over the elf’s shoulders. Protecting the one who had murdered the other Rae from  _ him _ .

He turned and left before he did anything foolish and went to batter his fists bloody on the recruits’ shields. The Commander gave him a suspicious look, but said that he was helping them learn to keep their shields up. It would save their lives. He let the healers practice on his hands, and then had to draw on every scrap of his training to not reach out and crush the bas’ skull when he saw him nearby. 

The rat wanted to drink. To vent. So he took him to the Charger’s camp, Bull not yet ready to return to the building. Hissrad wanted his boys to see what was on the line. Sunshine had already won the boys’ affection with her cinnamon rolls and cookies.

The bas went on and on about the ‘manipulative little bitch’ and the ‘lesson’ he was going to have to teach her. Hissrad pretended to drink and made grunts in the right places. Hissrad did not crush the tankard in his hand when the bas mentioned getting some of the templars to grab her and teach her a lesson. ‘Templars know how to put rebellious mages in their place’. 

And then he told a story of what he had seen some templars do to a mage. Repeated it with relish.

He couldn’t leave her here. To hell with the Qun, to hell with Red. He was getting her out of here, away from this  _ thing _ . 

He grunted and acted his way through the rest of the rat’s visit. Sent him away alive and drunk. Hissrad waited until he was out of ear shot before Bull crushed the tankard against the seat, the force crushing the wooden chair the bas had been in. He growled, and looked at Krem, who looked grim and sick. They had heard every word. 

“I’m taking her. Tonight.” Bull spat. “Get the kids and the cat and follow if you can, stay and keep them safe if you can’t.” 

Krem looked at the crushed chair and nodded, then paused. “And if he catches you?” 

Bull ran a hand over his face. “I… get him to let me ‘give’ her to you boys. That sounds worse… than what he plans.” 

“Fasta Vass.” Krem sounded sick. “I’ll… talk to everyone.”

It was sick. 

He packed a bag. The boys figured out how to make it look like they had gang raped the cook in case he didn't get her away. Bull kept his eye on the sky, on the breach that threatened the world. His Rae had had nightmares for years over what she had seen in the bad future. It was bad. 

It was bad. It couldn’t be let come to pass.

The elf could fix it by himself. Bull was getting Sunshine out of here. 

He made his way to the tavern. No one did more than glance at him, used to him going there by now. No one thought anything of it. He waited in the shadows. As usual, Rae stepped out with the rat’s supper. She looked delighted with herself, smiling in satisfaction at the bowl in her hands. She had done something to his food. He was proud of her, and sick with himself that he was taking that away from her.

He inhaled silently to gather his resolve and moved. He moved, wrapping an arm around her middle, lifting her up and closing his hand over her mouth, cutting off the scream before she got it out. He felt the buzzing tingle against his skin as her magic leapt up in defense and said the first thing that came to mind that would stop her. “Easy, Kitten. Do you remember that offer you made me? You for the elf?” 

It worked. It made his blood boil that she would sacrifice herself for the elf, but it worked. Her magic died down near instantly. She nodded against his hand and he felt the wetness of the tears spilling out.

“Good. That offer still stand, Kitten?” He said softly, hating the taste of the name on his tongue, but it was necessary. She had drawn a mental line between The Iron Bull who was a monster and Bull who played with Meraad, and that mental line balanced on that name. “You’ll go with me and the elf doesn’t get hurt?”

He felt her pulse pick up and she sobbed into his fingers, but she nodded. He wanted to flay his own skin off as he picked her up and carried her away. She was crying, her hands clamped over her own mouth in an attempt to do as he had said and stay quiet. She was small enough that no one noticed her in his arms as he kept a casual pace towards the gates. They were used to seeing him around this time. A guard invited him to drinks and he said another time, and then he was out of Haven. 

The boys had his horse ready. Waiting. Just a little further. She was shaking in his arms as he mounted. Terrified. Terrified of him. Of The Iron Bull. He guided the horse away, keeping the pace sedate. Nothing triggered alarm more than a fast pace. 

She was shaking and crying, terrified. Just a little longer. He could get her away, could tell her the truth. She could hate him in safety. Conceal. Don’t feel. He started the rumble that made her relax, but also started humming that song the other Rae had taught him. Let It Go. She curled tighter into him at the sound. 

He had just passed the copse of trees when he heard it... hoof beats, a single rider. The elf possibly or the bas, both were possible. He glanced behind them and could make out the glint of armor… the bas. He let a growl of frustration escape him as he pulled up on the reins. They had been so close. 

Shit.

He pulled Rae off of the horse with him as he dismounted, steadying her as he set her on her feet, and then putting his hand on the back of her neck in a possessive gesture that would catch the bas’ eye. He had to talk fast. “Be good, Kitten, and play along.”

She shuddered, but there was the slightest of nods from her. It made him want to cut his hand off. 

“What are you doing with her?” the rat shouted, irritated and angry.

Hissrad noted how Rae had her eyes clenched shut and was trembling beneath his hand. If he could show the bas she was more scared of him than… “I caught her trying to run away, bas.” 

Rae made a noise of disagreement, somehow offended at the lie, and he squeezed slightly on her neck in warning. The rat’s eyes narrowed on her like a predator on wounded prey as he dismounted. “Is that true, Kitten?” 

She hesitated, her eyes wide and terrified, and then she seemed to shrink in on herself and nodded shakily. “Yes, sir.” 

There. An obvious lie. The rat could see it now. She was more scared of what The Iron Bull would do to her than the rat. He was the bigger threat.

He could see the rat’s sick mind working as he began… talking down to Rae. Trying to make her feel like she was being stupid and wrong. Trying to set himself up as her protector. It sounded like some of the things the reeducators had done. Hissrad didn’t hit him and stood still as the bas‘s finger touched her, running along her cheek in a sick mockery of a caress. Bull howled in rage and fought against the line Hissrad had shut him across.

Rae flinched and braced herself as if expecting to be hit, and Hissrad spoke up, putting a bit of eagerness into his voice. Sell the act, get her to the fall back plan. He squeezed on Rae’s neck again to remind her to play along. “Hey, bas. Can I deal with her? I can introduce her to my boys, have a little fun?” 

She paled and the rat saw it, grinned in evil delight at her fear.  _ Laughed _ . “Why Iron Bull, haven't you had your fill of her yet?”

He couldn’t help the growl, but saved it by running his thumb over the side of Rae’s neck, making her whimper in fear. “Not nearly enough, bas.” She tried to pull away and he put his other hand on her shoulder and put a bit of pressure to keep her still. If she ran, the rat might try to deal with her himself.

“What do you say, Kitten? You want to be his plaything again?” the rat asked in a mocking tone.

Rae started to beg, but the rat cut her off with a gleeful tone, giving her to The Iron Bull and the Chargers to do whatever they wanted with as long as they did not injure her. Whatever pair of monsters that had bred this thing needed to have their parts cut out. 

Hissrad kept up an easy conversation with the bas, trying to ignore Rae’s sobbing and the way she was so desperately trying to keep her magic in. He half wished she would let it out and fry him, but that would just get her killed as an abomination. So he acted like the rat had given him the best gift ever, and even pretended to invite the monster to ‘join’. If he accepted, Stitches knew a poison that would knock him out for the night and then give him the shits for the next month.

...Maybe he would have Stitches slip it to him anyway.

The rat said some shit about the Seeker and Hissrad played along, pretending not to notice the way Rae looked like she was going to be sick, and then like she might actually set the rat on fire with her mind. He tightened his grip on her, hoping she wouldn’t carry out that impulse. They needed the mark. It was good she could get angry at him, but they needed that mark. 

The bas tossed him a vial with a quip about controlling Rae and Hissrad reminded himself sharply that  _ they needed the mark _ when he realized it was magebane. The rat rode away without a glance back and Hissrad tucked the magebane away for the next time they had to fight the Vints. He set Rae on the ground and she wavered, her eyes darting away as if she was going to run. Krem stepped up and put his arm around her shoulders and started leading her to the camp, glancing back once to give The Iron Bull a grim nod. They had this. It was a good try. 

The boys led her from tent to tent, keeping her in long enough for a ‘go’, tugging at her clothes subtly to make her look rumpled and then when they sat her on Dalish by the fire they wrapped her in a blanket to hide that she was still fully dressed. She relaxed slightly as it went on, looking confused but hopeful as none of them hurt her. To the idiots the bas had watching, it looked like they were passing her around when they were really just getting some really good cooking tips. 

They fed her and kept her warm and eventually the shaking in her hands stopped as she listened to the boys talk. One of his boys called out the signal they had set up to let them know if the bas was coming and Hissrad pretended to drunkenly stagger to his feet as Dalish stood Rae up, still wrapped in the blanket. He picked her up and threw her over his shoulder, pretending to be drunk and slapping her on the backside to make her cry out just as the bas came into sight. Hissrad carried her into his tent and put her down, then pretended to collapse onto the bed next to her, an arm over her chest to keep her from running, and pretended to pass out. He even threw in some fake snores to put her at ease. 

Look like the monster. Don’t be it. 

After several minutes she tried to escape, but he needed her to stay the whole night or the bas wouldn’t buy it. He pulled her to his chest and held her close. She would be warm and he could purr for her so she slept. The cat showed up and laid down in front of Rae, purring smaller and softer. 

Rae fell asleep.

Tomorrow the bas would be leaving.

She was safe for now. 


End file.
